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DOLLARS MD SENSE 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 



A COMEDY OF TO-DAY IN THREE ACTS. 



AUGUSTIN DALY. 



AS PEODUCED AT DALY'S THEATRE, NEW YORK, FOR THE 
FIRST TIME, OCTOBER 2d, 1883. 




NEW YORK: 
PRINTED, AS MANUSCRIPT ONLY, FOR THE AUTHOR. 

1885. 



COPYRIGHT, 1882, BY AUGUSTIN DALY. 



DRAMATIS PERSONiE AND ORIGINAL CAST. 

ME. PIERCE TEEMONT, lately settled in Washington from 

New England Me. Chaeles Fishee 

ELIPHALET LAMB, lately of Pennsylvania; the last of a line 
of early Dutch settlers of that Commonwealth, 

Me. James Lewis 
COLONEL JEFFEESON QUINCY BEIGGS— Effendi : late 
of the Egyptian Army ; recently from Cairo ; originally 

from Vermont Me. Chaeles Lecleecq 

JACK HEMMAESLY, banker and broker ; formerly of New 

York Me. Yoeke Stephens 

HAEEY LATIMEE, Attorney and Counselor for All the States, 

Me. John Deew 
OEIGGLES, late and early domestic in the Hemmarsly House- 
hold Me. W. H. Thompson 

EOBEETS, similarly situated at Tremont's Me. Beekman 

GUESTS, etc. 

Mr. Saleon, Mr. Stapleton, Mr. Carman, Mr. Fernand, Mr. Hamilton 

and Miss Kate Stokes, Miss Quinton, Miss Ivy Hughes 

and Miss Montgomery. 

PHEONIE, Tremont's daughter by his first wife ; — a young lady 

with very practical notions of love and matrimony. 

Miss Ada Eehan 
LIZZY TEEMONT, second wife of the ex-New Englander, as- 
piring to be a leader in Washington Society, 

Miss Lizzie Jeeemt 
HOPE HEMMAESLY, Jack's wife— with a will of her own, 

Miss May Fielding 
SYBILLA BEIGGS — one of the indescribable . Miss Vieginia Deehee 
MRS. SAPHIEA LAMB, the guardian spirit of Eliphalet, 

Mes. G. H. Gilbert 

JANE, Help at Tremont's Miss Belle Beown 

LYDDY, ditto at Hemmarsly's Miss Mazie Maeshall 



THE SCENE is laid in Washington. TIME— Eecently. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — Drawing-room at Tremonfs, in Washington. Modern 
decorations and furniture, a little overdone and overcrowded. 
The main entrance, l. c. ; a large window at l. ; mantel c, 
door E. c. and door r. Table, c, with sofa and chairs around 
it. The sofa, a very cosey sort of lounge, is placed head towards 
audience, on r. of table. A bonhonniere beside it on table. 

Mrs. Tremont is discovered at the rise of the curtain, in elegant 
morning costume, half neglige, reclining on sofa, reading a 
newspaper, and eating candies from the bonbonniere. She 
turns over the paper once or twice before finding the paragraph 
she reads. 

Mrs. Tremont. \_Reclini71g on cushion.'] Oh, here it is! This 
time they've given us a good long notice. \_Reads^ Mr. and 
Mrs. Tremont gave their usual charming Tuesday evening recep- 
tion this week. The gathering was uncommonly brilliant. Among 
the guests we observed the Honorable William Gudgeon, of Mon- 
tana, and lady; Honorable Thomas Shark, who paid great at- 
tention to the petite Miss Fish, of Cape Cod ; Judge Cottonclame, 
of Alabama, and wife ; — but it would require all our space to 
chronicle the brilliant gathering of wealth and fashion, that 
crowded their salons, though we must spare room to note the 
presence of Colonel Jefferson Quincy Briggs, formerly on the 
staff of the Khedive of Egypt, and Mrs. Briggs, who is a perfect 
Eastern houri. A recherche supper was served at eleven. [Speaks, 
half rising.] Well, I'm sure, that's as good as any of the others. 
We are coming on. \_Tahes candy.] 

Tremont enters from his study, n. d., pen in hand, and with docu- 
ments and bills. He is a careworn man, but scrupulously 
neat. 

Tremont. [l.] I wish you would look over these, Lizzie. 
Mrs. T. More items about our reception ! 
_ Trem. [Sits by table, l.] Yes, very practical items — the 
bills! [Turns them over.] It can't be possible we got all this. 
Why, it's a complete refiirnishing of the whole house. [Hands 
them to her.] We surely didn't need these things. 
^ Mrs. T. [Glances hastily over them.] Certainly, they're all 
right ! 



6 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Trem. But we fitted up the whole house when we came here 
three years ago. 

Mrs. T. Well, you know, the style went out immediately 
after. I've been ashamed of the parlors every time I came home. 

Trem. But it goes beyond all my calculations. We must re- 
trench ! 

Mrs. T. [ Taking a candy, and throwing herself on lounge with 
paper."] Oh, you always say that! 

Trem. It's a duty I owe to you to — 

3frs. T. [^Sitting up intently and leaning on her elhoxos."] It's 
a duty I owe to you, to keep up with the times and make a de- 
cent appearance. 

Trem. Appearance ! There's the rub ! All show ! [She takes 
up her paper again.] To entertain a lot of people we care no- 
thing for, and who return the compliment, I dare say! What 
good does all this parade do us? 

Mrs. T. [Hands him the newspaper.] Look at that! [Tri- 
umphantly.] 

Trem. [ Glancing over it] Yes, it cost about a hundred dol- 
lars a line. 

Mrs. T. It's worth every cent. It makes you known far and 
wide. 

Trem. For a fool ! People are aware that I can't afford it. 
We could live respected on a tenth of our income. 

3Irs. T. Yes ! In our pokey little town. What did you come 
here for? 

Trem. To please you. 

Mrs. T. And extend your practice. 

Trem. [Rises.] I havn't succeeded in that. I hope I have 
in the other. 

3frs. T. [Rises, softer, and laying her hand on his arm.] You 
know you have. Ever since I left dear papa's home to share 
yours, you told me you were striving to place me in my own proper 
sphere. After years of waiting, you kept your promise. It is 
my turn now to do my part : you make me happy — I make you 
distinguished. 

Trem. I'm afraid you'll have to give it up. The money won't 
last. [Crosses r.] 

3Irs. T. We are making influence, extending connections. 

Trem. Supper connections ! Shy fish, nibble bait, and never 
get hooked. 

3frs. T. [Going to him.] How can you say that? Look at 
the Briggses ! They're immensely rich and influential, and have 
taken a great fancy to us. 

Trem. [Dubiously.] I don't know much about them. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. • 7 

Mrs. T. Why, they move in the highest diplomatic circles. 
[ Confidentially. '] Mrs. Briggs told me last night in the strictest 
confidence, that her husband had spoken to the Turkish Minister 
about giving you charge of the whole law business of the Em- 
bassy. 

Trem. [ Crossing L.] I hope so. That's all I can say, 

Mrs. T. Why shouldn't he have the Minister's ear? He talks 
Turkish like a native. 

Trem. I don't know about that. He never seems so doubtful 
to me as when he talks Turkish, as you call it. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Pierce! [^Pushing him away.'] Why are you 
so suspicious. You think ill of everybody. \_Sits r.] 

Trem. I ? 

Mrs. T. Yes, you. You treat me as if my sole aim was fool- 
ish display — when my main thought is for Phronie. 

Trem. For Phronie ? 

Mrs. T. Yes, your daughter. Though I'm only old enough 
to be her sister, yet I try and love her as a mother ought. 

Trem. Poor child — she was only eight when her mother died. 
[/Sife.] But what has Phronie to do with our extravagance? 

Mrs. T. {Rises, goes to Trem.] Well, I never ! Will you tell 
me how she's to find a suitable match, unless we move in the best 
society? You may be willing to see her married to some starv- 
ing lawyer or ignorant pork-packer — but Phronie deserves a bet- 
ter fate, and she shall have her chances with the best. \_Crosses' 
to L. suddenly.] But what do you mean by my extravagances ? 
Have I asked for a carriage? Look at our fine niece, Hope 
Hemmarsly ! Her husband makes her ride in her own coupe. 

Trem. Jack Hemmarsly's a spendthrift. 

Mrs. T. That's better than being a miser. 

Jane enters, c. l., and announces. 

Jane. Mrs. Briggs, ma'am. \_Exits. Trem, rises.] 

Mrs. T [l.] There! The Colonel's wife! Now think of 

your interest and be polite to her. [ Closes on him, then turns to 

Mrs. B.] 

Mrs. Briggs enters, c. l., and stops at doorway. Very elegant 
visiting toilette. 

Mrs. Briggs. {Archly, l.] I hope I don't interrupt a con- 
jugal tete-a-tete. 

Mrs. T. No indeed! [Mrs. B. advances, they shake hands.] 
Mrs. B. [Arch glance at Trem.] Are you quite sure? Our 
distinguished advocate looks as if he had been arguing a case. 



8 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Trem. [r.] I have — and lost it. 

Mrs. B. [ Crosses c] You deserve to lose every case you try 
against your charming wife. 
« Mrs. T. [Sits l. oJ table.'] Thanks, dear ! [Mrs. B. sits on so/a.] 

Trem. You'll excuse me, ladies, [ladies boxv] I know. I have 
some letters to write. 

Mrs. B. We won't detain you. They say you have an enorm- 
ous practice. One of the Judges told me so at the Secretary of 
State's, and, entre nous, my husband wants to introduce you to 
Mehemet Pasha — you know what will come of that. Oh, we re- 
member our friends ! I may say that "without boasting", as your 
brother-in-law, Mr. Lamb, says. 

Trem. [r.] You are really too kind. You'll excuse me — 

Mrs. B. As long as you leave me your dear, good wife. 

Trem. [ Going and aside.] Flummery, and too much for it. 
l^Exits, R. D.] 

3Irs. B. How happy you ought to be with such an attentive 
husband — and such a clever one. 

Mrs. T Oh, I am. 

Mrs. B. Would it really disarrange your plans, if you had to 
go to Constantinople for three or four months ? 

Mrs. T. [Fluttered.] Why — would that be necessary? 

3frs. B. Fortunately it would pay immensely. My husband 
says he wouldn't take a quarter of a million for the annual fees. 
That's not to be despised, you know. But I nearly forgot. [Pro- 
duces honhonniere.] Pray accept this. 

Mrs. T. For me? What is it? . 

Mrs. B. Some real fig-paste. We get our own from the Bos- 
phorus, in bales. You can't find any like it here — and I know 
your weakness for candy. 

Mrs. T. How very kind. [ Opening and tasting.] 

Mrs. B. Not at all. By the way, are you going to hear Patti 
to-night ? 

Mrs. T. Oh, certainly !• 

Mrs. B. What a pity, I promised to go with Lady Growl — 
English Legation, you know. I would have invited myself to 
your box. 

Mrs. T. Do come with us. 

Mrs. B. Lady Growl will look cyclones next time we- meet. 
But I'll find a way to pacify her. Jefferson shall give Lord 
Growl a point or two about Asia Minor. So, if it will be agree- 
able? 

Mrs. T. What a question ! You confer a positive favor. 

Mrs. B. That settles it. I go with you. And now what is 
your programme for to-day? [Taking notes on tablets^ 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 9 

Mrs. T. I thought of doing a little shopping, but that can 
wait. 

Mrs. B. Why should it? I'll go with you, if you like! I 
rather enjoy going through the big stores. Besides, my advice 
may be serviceable. 

Mrs. T. . I accept with thanks. 

Mrs. B. So that's arranged. \_Counting on her fingers.'] "We 
go shopping together. That will take till dinner time — and if 
you'll give me a spoonful of soup, I needn't go home at all, but 
can start from here with you, for the Opera. 

Mrs. T. Most charming idea. Pray do. 

Mrs. B. \_Taking off glove.] I'll write to my Jefferson Quincy 
to call for us after the performance. Then we can stop some- 
where and have supper. What do you say to that? 

Mrs. T. Everything you propose is excellent. 

Mrs. B. [Both rise.] Oh, I go right to the point in every- 
thing. If I like people, I say so. But to go back to your recep- 
tion last evening — by-the-by — who is that Mr. Latimer — have I 
got the name right? 

Mrs. T. [l.] Oh, yes, Harry Latimer! He's a young law- 
yer, very nice fellow, good family, but he has nothing beside his 
profession. 

Mrs. B. Do you know whether he had a brother in the army, 
stationed in Texas ? The Fourth Cavalry, I think. 

Mrs. T. I really can't say. 

Mrs. B. I only ask because — well, Jefferson will find out. Mr. 
Latimer seems to be a great friend of Mr. Hemmarsly, your hus- 
band's nephew. Mr. Hemmarsly is very rich, isn't he? 

Mrs. T. I believe so. They say he speculates desperately. 

Mrs. B. I never see him with his wife. 

Mrs. T. Oh, she's not at all suited to him. She detests society. 

Mrs. B. He's quite charming. 

Mrs. T. \_Archly.] He's been paying you attentions, eh ? 
You musn't mind him. It's his way. You musn't let him make 
the Colonel jealous. 

Mrs. B. [ Tone of affection.] My poor Colonel ! He's a quar- 
ter of a century older than me — and fully as much behind the 
age. These old soldiers are so simple and so honest! I adore 
his chivalric qualities, and I feel it a great honor to be the wife 
of a dashing Effendi, but when an amiable young fellow sighs his 
regrets at the fact, I can't be angry. [ Crosses to l.] 

Mrs. T. Why did you marry a man so much older? 

Mrs. B. [l.] It was my family. His wealth and position 
carried the day. You know he's an American by birth? Yes! 
Went to Egypt to seek his fortune, and rose by inventing a new 



10 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

system of feeding the troops, \_TaJcing Mrs. T.'s wrist and speak- 
ing confidentially^ I have often heard him say he got the idea 
from the wooden nutmegs of his native state. My family was 
Spanish- American. Yes! Poor, but proud. Mamma made a 
mesalliance with a commercial traveller from the States. Yes ! 
But my marriage with the Colonel reconciled them. AjJropos of 
marriages and matches — your husband is wasting that pretty 
daughter of his here. 

3Irs. T. Oh, there's plenty of time for Phronie yet. 

Mrs. B. Yes. Wait until you take her abroad. The dukes 
are not all gone yet, and if they were, there are the princes. 
\_Cro8ses tofire.^ ' 

Tremont enters, watch in hand, r. d. Remains near door look- 
ing off L. H. 

Tremont. My dear, how late Phronie is! Do they keep her 
till twelve at the riding school? 
Mrs. T. She must have come in. 

Jane enters, l. c, about to cross. 

Has Miss Phronie got back yet ? 

Jane. Oh, yes'm. She and Bridget just came in. [^Exits, r. c] 

Trem. [ Calls off l.] Phronie ! 

Phronie. [^In distance, L. c] Yes, papa! \_Pause.^ I'm 
coming directly. [Trem. comes down to l. of desk."] 

Mrs. B. [r.] By the way, I saw that young English officer, 
what's his name? — Captain Wesley — paying your daughter par- 
ticular attention at the reception last night. My Jefferson Quincy 
says, he'll propose before he leaves Washington. 

Mrs. T. [c] I think Phronie likes him. 

Trem. \_Seated at desk, L.] I hope not. 

Mrs. B. There's much better to be had. 

Mrs. T. I won't discourage it ! Sh ! She's here. 

Phronie enters, l. u. e. 

Phronie. [l. c] What is it, papa? [/Sees Mrs. B.'] Oh! 
good morning ! [ To Trem., who goes up to meet her and shakes 
his finger at Aer.] I remember ! The letters I was to write. I 
forgot, papa! But, there's a little pat for every letter. \_Pats 
his cheek gently.'] And a stamp for the postage. {^Kisses him.] 

Trem. All those letters can't go with one stamp. 

Phro. {^Taking his hands.] Well, hold them for short postage 
and I'll come some time and redeem them. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 11 

Mrs. B. [r. c] You've been riding this morning. Your 
eyes sparkle. 

Phro. I wonder at it. Going round and round a ring for 
hours is a bore. \_Sits, L.] 

Mrs. B. Why not ride out ? 

Phro. I can't ride alone, and there's no one to go with. 

Mrs. T. There's your riding master — 

Mrs. B. And plenty of gentlemen, who'd only be too happy. 
Captain Wesley, for instance. 

Phro. [Sits, L., and takes up a hoohl That would set the gos- 
sip going. 

Mrs. B. He's very much in love with somebody. But you're 
right. Don't encourage the first that offers. 

Phro. [ Coolly from hooh.'] Why not ? 

Mrs, B. [Sits with Mrs. T. on sofa."] You want to look higher. 

Phro. Oh, yes! I don't fancy getting married merely to en- 
joy the excitement of worrying about my daily bread. I should 
expect to have at least the same comforts I possess now. 

Mrs. B. You are fitted for anything. 

Phro. I suppose it don't take much money to live as we do. 
[ Without looking at her father.'] We are not very rich, are we, 
papa? I won't have to marry a millionaire to live in the style 
I've been accustomed to. 

Trem. I hope you wanted for nothing, my darling. 

Phro. On the contrary — I have everything I want. \He 
brightens and turns her to him, then hesitates as she continues.'] 
It's just for that reason I wouldn't think of changing my lot to 
please a man who had to calculate every cent he spends. The 
petty cares of life would crush me. [Mrs. T. turiis away.] 

Mrs. T. [Seated on sofa.] Why, dear — what put all this in 
your head? 

Phro. Well, you did, partly. [Trem. and Mrs. T. exchange 
glances ; Mrs. T. quails.] And then I had a dispute with Mr. 
Latimer about it, last night. 

Mrs. B. [Seated on sofa.] Oh ! So Mr. Latimer is on good 
enough terms to quarrel with, is he ? The Captain has a rival. 

Trem. [Cheerfully.] And so you've been disputing with 
Harry Latimer on the subject of matrimony? 

Phro. [l., at desk.] Oh, we always quarrel on social topics. 
His favorite role is adviser to what he calls my youth and inex- 
perience. I positively dislike that man ! 

Trem. Hem ! [^Looks at his watch, and moves hurriedly across 
to R.] 

Phro. [Jumping up and following him.] Are you going,, 
papa? I'll go with you and write the letters. 



12 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Trem. No, I won't send them now. To-morrow. 

Phro. [^Stopping him, r, c] Why, papa, you don't look well. 
Let me see you. {_Gets in front of hivi.'] You are positively 
quite careworn. I know what you want. Less work and more 
play! Let me prescribe for you. What shall it be? Oh, I 
know ! I wanted some one to ride with me. You shall ! 

Tre7n. [r.] Nonsense ! It's twenty years since I've been in 
the saddle. 

Phro. What of that ? You know how. Besides, you shall 
practice with me, and we'll have delightful long rides in the 
woods. 

Trem. No. I must find you another cavalier. Now, if you 
didn't dislike Harry Latimer — 

Phro. \_Altered tone.'] I won't — I won't ride with him — not 
if — \_Crosses to fire."] 

Jane enters. 

Jane. \_Announcing at l.] Mr. Latimer. 

Phro. It's too bad ! Just as I Avas [very melancholy tone, al- 
most crying] beginning to feel so cheerful ! We are not at home, 
mamma. 

Mrs. T. [Looks at Trem. He nods decisively, unseen by Phro.] 
Show Mr. Latimer in. [Jane exits, l. c] 

Ph7'o. [Taking Trem.'s arrn.] Let me go with you, papa. 
[About to lead off, r.] 

Trem. I'm particularly busy now, daughter, but in the course 
of an hour — [Disengages her arm.] Don't let me see such a frown 
on my dear girl's face. [Exits, r.] 

Phro. [ Comes down pouting.] It's too bad that I should be 
cornered by that man at every turn. [To Mrs. T.] I am really 
quite indisposed, indeed I am. [r.] 

Mrs. T. A little conversation may do you good. [Phro. sits 
impatiently, r.] 

Latimer enters, l.' c, shown in by Jane, who takes his hat and 
cane. He bows to Mrs. B. and Phro., and approaches Mrs. T. 

Latimer, [l.] You were so kind yesterday as to reproach 
me with not sufficiently appreciating the welcome I always re- 
ceived in your house. You see, I take the very first opportunity 
to justify myself. 

Phro. [Sneeringly, from her seat.] You must have got that 
by heart. 

Lat. [Turns to her, crosses to r. table.] Oh, unquestionably! 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 13 

I don't generally require preparation for expressing my thoughts, 
but I have to assume the didactic in approaching so polymathic 
a young lady. 

Phro. IRising hastily and aside.l Polymathic ! I wonder if 
I ought to be angry at that? [_Looks at him and shrugs her 
shoulders.'] 

Mrs. B. Let me give you a piece of advice : Young ladies 
don't like to be puzzled ! [Mrs. T. goes to Phro., who turns im- 
patiently away.'] 

Lat. It's only a skirmish, and we are always on a war footing. 

Mrs. T. I'm very glad to see you again, Mr. Latimer. You 
must make allowances for Phronie. She's just as pleased to see 
an old friend as I am. \_Sits on sofa.] 

Lat. It is easily explained, my dear madam. We had a 
little controversy yesterday. 

Phro. [r.] You lectured me as if I were a school girl. 

Lat. You reasoned like one. 

Mrs. B. And the subject of dispute — ? 

Lat. Why— 

Phro. {^Seated, quickly.] Mr, Latimer, I request you to be 
silent. I don't wish it renewed. 

Lat. I obey. \_Crosses to l.] 

Jane enters. 

Jane. [ Coming down to Mrs. T.] Captain Wesley, ma'am. 
[Phro. rises.] 

Lat. \_Aside^ Oho ! [ Goes down l.] 

Phro. Well, why don't you show him in. 

Jane. \_Not heeding her, speaking to Mrs. T.] He says he 
wants to see you particularly, ma'am. He's waiting in the recep- 
tion room. 

Phro. {^With effusion.] I'll go and see the Captain. {_Crosses 
tip L. a7id about to go.] 

Mrs. T. \_Rises; settling Phro. with a glance.] My dear, you 
are positively somebody else to-day. Try and change back. [To 
Lat.] Excuse me, Mr. Latimer, I have a caller on very par- 
ticular business. I expect you to dine with us, remember. I 
won't take a denial. You shall not have a dull moment, for I 
shall place you next to Mrs. Briggs. [Mrs. B. half rises. Mrs. 
T. speaks to her over back of sofa.] I don't think I'll be detained 
very long, so we'll go shopping. [ Whispers.] It's the Captain. 

Mrs. B. \_Same.] Come to propose for Phronie! 

Mrs. T. We'll discuss it in the carriage. '\_Exits, l. u. e.] 



14 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Phro. has gone up to a book-case, and takes down large dictionary, 
brings it from R. to table and examines it. Lat. has obsei'ved 
her. He now turns to Mrs. B. 

Lat. [l., back of chair, after a searching glance at Mrs. B., and 
then quite abruptly.'] If it's not an impertinent question, Mrs. 
Briggs, may I ask if you are a native of Turkey? 

Mrs. B. [l. c] No. My family is foreign, but I was born 
in America, like Mr. Briggs. 

Lat. Ah, Briggs ! Briggs is an American ? 

Mrs. B. [Smiling.~\ Yes, from Vermont. One of the oldest 
families — 

Lat. But, if I understand rightly, he's now an Egyptian 
Colonel? 

Mrs. B. [^Coolly.'] He was under Ismael Pasha. 

Lat. I am told you met him first in Nice. 

Mrs. B. [Biting her lips.] Yes. 

Lat. And you've been in Washington now six months. 

Mrs. B. Why, this is quite a cross-examination. [Bises and 
crosses to l.] 

Phro. [Shutting tip the dictionary with a slam, after play of 
study.] Oh, you mustn't be surprised at Mr. Latimer's questions. 
He loves to play the inquisitor, Mrs. Briggs. It's his chief amuse- 
ment, next to stunning his victims with a few big words he has 
studied for the occasion. Fortunately, people are not as ignorant 
as he supposes. [To Lat.] Perhaps you think I don't know 
what didactic and polymathic mean ? [ Crosses to L.] 

Lat. [r., glancing at dictionary.] I don't doubt it in the 
le^st — after consulting the dictionary. [Crosses and turns the 
leaves.] 

Phro. [Crosses to l.] You are quite mistaken, Mr. Latimer. 
I was merely looking for a synonym for arrogance and imperti- 
nence, that might be polite enough to use. I wish you a very 
good morning! [Exits, L. D.] 

Lat. Capital ! She will have the last woi'd. I like that. 

Mrs. B. [l.] You really seem determined to create a feeling 
of aversion in the young lady. 

Lat. It's my misfortune to make enemies. There is yourself. 

Mrs. B. Oh, I forgive you, if you repent. 

Lat. Repent? Oh, I haven't sinned yet. 

Mrs. B. [Keenly.] That means you intend to ? 

Lat. I am simply obliged to fulfil a disagreeable duty. 

Mrs. B. [l.] I don't understand you. 

Lat. I'll try and make myself clear. My friend Hemmarsly 
is in love with you. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 15 

Mrs. B. Sir ! [ Crosses to r.] 

Lat. Don't say you don't know it. [^Sits on sofa.l 

Mrs. B. And if I did — how does it concern you? 

Lat. I am not only the friend of Jack, but of his wife. 

Mrs. B. [^Smile and sneer.'] Indeed ! 

Lat. A thoroughly good woman. I hope you don't doubt 
that! 

Mrs. B. \_Sits, r.] Really, she is as indifferent to me as her 
husband is. 

Lat. Oh ! Can you explain how a lady accepts from a man, 
who is totally indifferent to her, the present of such a locket as 
I perceive suspended from your charming neck ? 

Mrs. B. \^JRising quickly.'] You are mistaken, if — 

Lat. I was present when he bought it. I have since been 
considering how to cure Jack of his folly. I needed an ally to 
assist me in preserving the happiness of that young wife, who 
loves her husband. Suddenly I had an inspiration. I found the 
ally. It is yourself. '[Rises.] 

Mrs. B. [Crosses to L., looks at him, then bursts out laughing.] 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! You must excuse my laughing. But you are so 
irresistibly funny. [Sits L. of table.] 

Lat. It's quite unintentional. Pray, explain. 

Mrs. B. [Seated, L.] Let us suppose that Mr. Hemmarsly is 
really in love with me. 

Lat. We may take it for granted. 

3Irs. B. Very good. But does it follow that I am as silly as 
he is? 

Lat. No. But there are other motives for encourag-ing: his 
folly. " ^ 

Mrs. B. What are they? 

Lat. [Sits on sofa.] I saw several equally expensive articles 
of jewelry in the store where he bought the locket. 

Mf's. B. [Rises angrily.] The young lady was right. You 
are not merely malicious — but insolent! [About to exit, c. L.] 

Lat. [ Who has not risen.] You seem to have a very weak 
memory, Sybilla ! 

3frs. B. [Stops and turns.] Sir ! What do you mean ? 

Lat. Or, perhaps my recollection is at fault. 

3l7's. B. What recollection ? [Advancing.] 

Lat. Pray be seated. [She is searching him tvith her eyes.] 
Before I studied law, I had the disadvantages of a West Point 
education, and subsequently saw a little service on the border, 
in the Fourth Cavalry. We were stationed in San Antonio, and 
one day were invited to dinner by a wealthy Mexican, at his 
ranch. The lady, who did the honors of the table, w^as distin- 



16 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

guished as the latest of a long line of favorites [Mrs. B. rises'] 
who had presided in his luxurious domain. Pray, how is Senor 
Iturbide Guatemaxa? Can you tell me? [Mrs. B. strides up 
arid down.'] 

Mrs. B. {^Has been tearing her glove, stops, stares vacantly, and 
then approaches Lat.] Does anyone but yourself among our ac- 
quaintances know this story? 

Lat. I believe not. 

3frs. B. \^At back of chair.] And I presume, as you have left 
the service, you are not in the habit of entertaining people with 
your military experiences. 

Lat. [^Rising.] Not unless I am compelled to, for benevolent 
purposes. 

Mrs. B. l^Sighs.] Very well, I agree with you that your 
friend Hemmarsly should be shown the error of his ways. 

Lat. Does any plan of action occur to you ? 

Mrs. B. I will reason with him. [Lat. looks at her.] If that 
doesn't succeed, I shall take means to avoid him. 

Lai. AVouldn't it be better to begin by avoiding him ? 

Mrs. B. [^Irriiated.] How can I ? 

Lat. I know — I know Washington is a very contracted place. 
Our society is beginning to draw the line very carefully at un- 
official foreigners. What do you say to travelling — to San Fran- 
cisco, for instance? 

Mrs. B. You wish me to go away ? 

Lat. I wouldn't presume to dictate. If San Francisco doesn't 
suit, go on to Hong Kong! You might gradually work your 
way back to Egypt. The Colonel must be wanted there. In 
fact, I think I heard that he was. [ Crosses to L.] 

Mrs. B. \_Stage, R.] Enough, sir ! [^Determined.] I like 
Washington so well, that I think I shall remain where I am. 

Lat. [ Goes up to table.] It's a very nice place, I know, but 
the people gossip so and are such beagles for following up a scent. 
They'll be sure to know all about you in no time. 

3Irs. B. You know everything now. There is nothing more 
to be told. 

Lat. Then they'll turn their attention to the Colonel. I 
notice that he avoids the Turkish Minister's — so they must be 
thoroughly acquainted there with Jefferson Quincy Briggs, Ef- 
fendi. The newspapers will doubtless pick up enough to make 
quite an article. 

3frs. B. [Furious, and turning on him.] You are — 

Lat. Disagreeable. I know it. You^ recollect I lamented 
my misfortune in that respect. 

Mrs. B. [ Calmer and reasoning.] Even if I made up my 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 17 

mind to leave the country, what excuse can I give my husband? 
I need some pretence. 

Lat Use one of his. He must have a supply for just such 
emergencies, 

Mrs. B. \_Biiterly^ Thank you. At all events, we will con- 
sider it settled. I shall leave Washington. \_Going, crosses L.] 

Lat. Just another moment. Hadn't we better fix a definite 
time? 

Mrs. B. [^Angrily.'] Sir, you are — [ Coming down.'] 

Lat. Anxious ? I know. You'll pity rather than blame my 
solicitude. We shall miss you. When shall we say we'll miss 
you? 

Mrs. B. [Biting her lips.'] Let us say in two weeks. 

Lat. Shan't we s,ay one week ? 

Mrs. B. You promise on your part, to take no steps against 
us, meanwhile? 

Lat. If you don't provoke me to it — no. 

3Irs. B. Remember — I have your word of honor. 

Jane enters, r. c. 

Jane. Mrs. Tremont says she's ready, if you please, ma'am. 

Mrs. B. [Crosses n. to Lat., very friendly tone.] Goodbye! 

Lat. [ Wheedling tone.] Must you go ? 

Mrs. B. So glad I happened to be here when you called. 
[Extends her hand warmly.] 

Lat. So sorry! Good bye! Oh! [Gives an exclamation of 
pain. Mrs. B. exits, r. c, rajndly.] She pinched me! [Jane 
crosses to l. c. and draws hack, pulls herself up. siifiy, c] 

Jane. [Aside.] That old porcupine come back — 

Mrs. Lamb enters, hat and cloak on, umbrella in hand, L. c. 

Mrs. Lamb, [c] Oh! Is that you, Jane? See here. [Feels 
in her pocket and pulls out a small coin.] What does this mean? 
When I put my hand in my pocket this morning, I found the 
same ten-cent-piece there I gave you last night. 

Jane. [Loftily, r.] It must be a mistake, ma'am. 

Mrs. L. [Advancing.] There's no mistake about it. It was 
smooth on both sides, with a piece out of the edge. They wouldn't 
take it in the cars — and goodness only knows where I got it. 

Jane. [Down L.] Try and pass it in the country, when you 
get back, ma'am. 

Mrs. L. [Sharply.] I suppose ten cents isn't enough for you. 
I thought as much when I saw the mouth you made over it. 
2 



18 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Jane, [l.] Well, ma'am, I ain't obliged to take 2:)ennies like 
a beggar. 

Mrs. L. [ To Led.'] Do you hear that ? What are the help 
coming to ! [To Jane.'] You may be sure I won't hurt your 
feelings again that way. So my sister-in-law's at home ? 

Jane. Mrs. Tremont's just gone out with the carriage. 

Mrs. L. Then tell my brother I'm here. 

Jane. Mr. Tremont's in his library, writing. 

Mrs. L. \_Tartly.'] Go tell him I'm here, this minute. If he 
can't come, he'll say so. You needn't take it on yourself. 

Jane. \_Going , aside.'] Old hunks! Rich as Cro?sus and as 
mean as dirt. \_Exits, R. c] 

Mrs. L. [l., shakes hands ivUh Lat.] How are you ? Glad 
to see you and say good-bye ! I'm going home. 

Lat. [r.] Isn't this rather sudden ? 

3Irs. L. Yes, but there's been a strike among our hands at 
the mill. [^Umbrella under her arm, and drawing her gloves on 
with resolution.] I'm going on to take a hand in that strike. 

Lat. But where's your husband ? 

3Irs. L. What, Lamb? Oh, he's too soft. Gives right in. 
These folks Avant a man to deal with. I'll leave Eliphalet at my 
daughter's. Hope will look after him. Besides, he's got some 
collections to make. 

Lat. I seldom pay compliments — but you are a wonderful 
woman. 

Mrs. L. No compliment at all. Every woman ought to be 
something, considering the sticks that go around marrying them. 
Talking of that, I want to sj)eak to you about my daughter's 
husband. 

Lat. Jack Hemmarsly! 

Mrs. L. You're his best friend, aren't you ? 

Lat. Jack and I are old friends, true — but — 

il/rs. L. Sit down a minute. [_Sits, c. ; he hesitates a moment, 
then sits, r. She goes on without regarding his hesitancy.] You 
seem to be a sensible young fellow, too. You're none of the 
mummified young chaps — walking bean-poles — overcoats like 
nightgowns, all conceit and clothes, parading their bandolined 
bangs in every parlor I've seen. Now tell me frankly what you 
think of the match your friend made? [^Both seated.] 

Lat. [r., and deprecatingly.] My dear Mrs. Lamb — 

Mrs. L. \_Tapping his arm significantly with her umbrella.'] 
You know I was opposed to their marriage. 

Lat Why? 

Mrs. L. Because I thought they didn't suit one another. They 
gave themselves no time to become acquainted. It was a Sara- 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 19 

toga match, you know— all moonlight drives to the lake, coach- 
ing to the races, full dress parade, but no real intimacy. My 
girl was brought up on solid principles, no humbug, no show- 
result: Mr. John Hemmarsly's slap-dash style caught her in a 
twinkling. How the man throws his money about! Look at the 
way they live! Man and wife and one child, with a house of 
twenty rooms, servants in livery, eight horses, six carriages, and 
a telephone ! [Emphasizmg with umbrella.'] 

Lat. Jack is reputed to be well off. 

Mrs.L. Ah, bah! Well off! Speculator on 'Change. Always 
buying cind selling birds in the bush. At the first alarm all his 
birds fly away. I don't understand that kind of wealth. Our 
mills turn out stuff you can see. What we sell goes away in 
carts. But that's not the whole trouble with Jack Hemmarsly. 
He's too fond of his old bachelor chummies. 

Lat. I don't excuse Jack, you know, but don't you think 
your daughter might adapt herself more to his mode of life ? 
_ Mrs. L. [l. of table.'] Hope was brought up to despise "fash- 
ionable flummery, especially this flying in flocks from one party 
to another, like wild geese from one feeding ground to another. 
She walks in the right path. 

_ Lat. Yes, but she's walking further away from Jack all the 
time. Married people must make concessions. 

Mrs. L. So they must. But you take my word — the wife 
never makes a mistake as to what's best for home happiness. It's 
instinct. Now look at my Eliphalet ! Poor Lamb has given in 
to me for twenty-five years. 

Lat. Yes, and he's as fresh and eager now, as a boy out of 
school. \_Rises.] 

Mrs. L. [Looks at him sharply.] Hum ! [Besumes.] Well, 
what I really want to ask you is this: can't you give your friend 
some good advice ? [Bises.] 

Lat. I doubt if my influence — 

Mrs.L. Promise me to try. [Offers hand.] Come, I retain 
you as my counsel. Do what you can, won't you ? 

Lat. Willingly! ^ 

Teemont enters, e. d. 

Tremont. [Comes down c] Ah, Latimer, how do you do^ 
Well, sister — ? -^ 

Mrs. L _ I've just run in to say good-bye. Pierce. Excuse me 
tor disturbing you, but I must start right ofl'home to-day 

Trem. [c] What— going home? 

L. Yes, things are at sixes and sevens at the mill. 



20 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Lot. \_Going iq:)!^ I'll take my leave now — 

Trem. \_Givlng hand across sofa.'] We'll see you again soon. 

Lat. Mrs. Treniont was kind enough to ask me to dinner. 
[ Goes up, gets to L. of Mrs. L.] 

Trem. I'm delighted. 

Mrs. L. [ Offers hand.'] Remember your promise. 

Lat. I shall not forget. Pleasant journey. 

Mrs. L. Thank you, and look here. When you think of get- 
ting married, if you can't find the girl that suits about here, 
come down to our place and I'll guarantee success. We've got 
.some of the real old Pennsylvania Dutch in stock yet. You shall 
have your pick. 

Lat. Unfortunately I'm too late. 

Mrs. L. How too late? 

Lat. Your husband got the start of me. 

Mrs. L. Go long with you. [ Gives him a friendly push with 
her umbrella. He e.vits laughing, L. c] 

Trem. Why do you leave so suddenly ? 

3£rs. L. [l.] Business. 

2'rem. [r.] And I^amb? 

3Irs. L. Stays w'- h Hope for a few days. 

Trem. \_Loo'ks arom i.] Is somebody seeing you oflf*? 

Mrs. L. No. I hat-.; taking leave on the platform. But, I 
say, you don't look as Ircsh as you did. You're growing old. 

Trem. Naturally, as years go by. 

Mrs. L. Your looks are several years ahead of the figure in 
your time table. The pace is too fast. What's the matter? In 
trouble? 

Trem. No, sister. What makes you suspect ? 

Mrs. L. [_Loohs round at furniture^ You live in greater 
style than you used to. 

Trem. I owe it to my wife to make some display. 

Mrs. L. I don't blame you for humoring your wife. Spoil 
her as much as you please, providing your books balance. Is 
your business good since you settled here? 

Trem'. Better than I anticipated. 

Mrs. L. I'm glad to hear it. You live here like a very rich 
man. Lizzie's dresses and Phronie's must make quite an item. 
[Trem. draws himself up and crosses to l.] I don't say this on 
account of those paltry few thousands, bi'other, believe me. No- 
body knows of them, not even Lamb — but I don't want you to 
be wretched, and I know how you indulge those you love. 

Trem. [l.] Your fears are unfounded — utterly. 

Mrs. L. Glad of that — from my heart I am. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. :21 

Jane annoimcing from l.. c. 

Jane. Colonel Briggs, sir. 

Trem. Not at home. [ Crosses to r.] 

Jane. \_F luster ecL^ Sir — 

Mrs. L. Brother — 

Trem. Not at home — 

Briggs enters. Wears a fez, which he never removes, and several 
orders on breast of black frock coat. Jane exits. 

Briggs. [c] Ah ! Wakiiniz chajir olsun Effendim Tremont. 
Good day. And your sister, Mrs. Lamb. My good Mrs. Lamb, 
Kefiniz tiige-dir Sultanum! How is your health, my dear 
madam ? 

Mrs. L. [l.] Very good, thank you ! I'm about going home 
for fear I'll lose it. 

Brig. So sorry! Pleasant journey! Allah acy klyghi were. 
[ Crosses to L J 

Mrs. L. [Goes to Trem.l Eh? Ah! Same to you. [Aside 
to Trem.l I ^^J be mistaken sometimes, but I'm positively sure 
in this case — that fellow is a swindler. Look out for him. Good 
bye. [Aloud.'] Good morning, Colonel. 

Brig. Bendiniz el oper. Permit me, in our Oriental fashion, 
to kiss your hand. 

Mrs. L. Thank you. I'll take the will for the deed. Bong 
jour! [Exits, L. c] 

Brig. Excellent creature, that ! Firm ! Energetic ! I like 
those qualities in a woman. In the East, women are putty. And 
how are you, my dear fellow? [Shakes hands.] Bugege nasyl 
idinez. Feel well after last night? I deemed it my duty to call 
and ask. 

Trem. [r.] Much obliged. 

Brig. I hope I'm not detaining you from breakfast. This is 
your hour, is it not ? 

Trem. Not usually. 

Brig. Don't use any ceremony with me, I beg. I've break- 
fasted already, but I'll keep you company with pleasure. Only 
don't have any extras on my account. A cold cut, and no 
champagne, if you don't like the wine. A good claret does every 
bit as well. Would you like me to ring? [Crosses to l. of table.] 

Trem. Oh, don't trouble your — 

Brig. [l. of table.] Nothing is a trouble to oblige a friend. 
[Rings bell on table.] By the way, have I told you that I had 
an audience with the Turkish Minister? 



22 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Trem. [Inclifferenfly.'] No. 

Brig. [ Goes down to Trem.'] All on your account, my dear 
fellow. 

Trem. Pray, don't bother about it. 

Brig. Bas ustune. It's a pleasure. 

Jane enters, l. c. 

Jane. Did you ring, sir? 

Tre7n. Bring up some cold meat and a bottle of claret. 

Jane. Yes, sir. lExits, c. l.] 

Brig, [l.] Why shouldn't I do you a service. I know you'd 
do as much for me. 

Trem. Certainly. 

Brig. [^Taking both his hands.'] I knew it. I take you at 
your word. I have a draft from my banker at Cairo, but, in 
consequence of the Egyptian troubles, they Avon't cash it here 
without a large discount. Benim jerimde olajdyn ne yapardynf 
What would you advise me to do? 

Trem. Keep the draft until you can get the full face of it. 

Brig. [Seizes his hand effusively.] You advise that ? 

Trem. \_Su7'prised.] Yes. 

Brig. I knew you would. You are most kind, Memnunnwn! 
I accept your offer. But I shall not want more than a hundred 
at present. 

Trem. A hundred — 

Brig. Yes, w^hile I wait, as you advise. It is only a trifle, I 
know% but as proof of your trust and friendship, it is as good as a 
million. 

Trem. [Aside^ Well, for cool impudence. 

Lamb. [Outside.] What do you want to announce me for? 

Brig. You have a visitor. Don't let me detain you. 

Trem. It's my brother-in-law. 

Brig. Ah, the amiable Lamb ? 

Lamb enters, l. c. Sis costume is something of the Quaker cut, 
his face all jollity. 

Lamb, [l., shakes hands cordially with Trem.] Good morning, 

Piercy! Oh, you're not alone ! All right! [About to go.] 

Brig. [Cheerfully.] It's nobody but I. 

Lamb. [Down L., pids hat on chair, L.] Oh, Colonel, glad to 

meet you again. 

Brig. Memnunnum! 

Lamb. [To Trem.] I've just seen Saphira off on the train. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 23 

and I promised to meet Hemmarsly here. He's going to show 
me about town. Pretty strong goings-on for a William Penn, 
eh? But I can't help it. [Crosses to c] My first chance in 
twenty-five years, and my Dutch is rising right up. I say, that 
was a prime party of yours last night. I can say, without boast- 
ing, that I never ate and drank so much in my life. What a 
pity Jack's wife don't care for those things. Ah, Hope don't 
take after her dad. Show me something going on, and I break 
out all over till I get there— that is, when Saphira's away. 
[ Crosses to R.] 

Jane enters with a tray vdth bottle, glasses and dish; puts them 
on table, c, and exits. 

Brig. [Rubbing his hayids.'] Pek eji kahwalty Hazyr Icah- 
walty eldinizmi f [ To Lamb.^ 

Lamb. What do you say? 

Brig. Breakfast. Your brother-in-law asked me to keep him 
company. You'll join us in a glass of wine? 

Lamb. Oh, yes. I never spoil sport. [ Crosses to table. Brig. 
draws cork and fills glasses.'] Do you know [to Trem.] that I'm 
a grass- widower, old fellow ? First time in my life. 

Trem. [r.] You don't seem to feel it very much. 

Lamb, [c] Feel it ! I feel it all over ! I may say, without 
boasting, the delicious sense of freedom tingles in my very toes. 
I'm very fond of Saphira, you know, and all that, but every man 
has an instinctive feeling of liberty. That has been proved by 
statistics. As a lucky accident has called Saphira home — I 
breathe in it: "With freedom's soil beneath my feet and free- 
dom's banner waving over me!" 

Brig. [ Waving his napkin over Lamb's head.] Hurrah ! 

Lamb. Thank you. [They drain their glasses, and Brig. fi,lls 
again, holding to the bottle.] 

Brig. Afijetlez olsun, Effendim. Your health, gentlemen! 
[Drinks^ 

Lamb. Same to you — in English. [Drinks.] 

Brig. [To Trem.] Won't you join us ? 

Trem. In a moment. I merely want to close my desk. 
[Going, r.I 

^ Brig, [p.] Pek eji, Effendim. I understand. You want to 
give me the hundred at once. There's no hurry — but as long as 
you are going for it — I know you business men ; when you owe 
a man money, you never rest till you pay. Memnunnum I 

Trem. My sister was right. The man's a perfect confidence 
operator. [Evits, r.] 



24 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Brig. \_Back to l. of table. To Lamb.'] That's one of the 
salt of the earth. [Drwife.] 

Lamb. [r. of table.'] I may say, without boasting, a better 
fellow never breathed. 

Brig. Cokjasa! Here's to hira! \_Drinks.] 

Lamb. [Feet stretched out, eyeing wine in his gkiss.] I say, 
Colonel, you're pretty well acquainted in Turkey, ain't you ? 

Brig. [Seated L. of table.] Fek eji! Know 'em all, from the 
Sultan down. [Eats and drinks.] 

Lamb. [r. of table, sipping wine.] What made you leave 
over there, then ? 

Brig. Insallah! Climate and work. Stood it as long as I 
could : twenty years. At last I put my foot down : give me a 
pension and let me travel. If you don't, I'll resign. They gave 
in. I get my 3,000 ducats per annum, and the only obligation 
is to give advice and counsel to our ministers and ambassadors, 
if I happen to be in the place. 

Lamb. Very comfortable and honorable. I congratulate you. 
But I tell you what you really ought to be congratulated on, 
EfFendi, and I can say it without boasting, that's your wife. She 
is the most consummately beautiful and enormously clever woman 
that I ever — well, she just fascinates and subjugates our whole 
sex, she does ! 

Brig, [l.] Memnunnum! I'm delighted. I hope you'll do 
us the honor to call. Perhaps you'll come with your son-in-law. 

Lamb. What, Jack? Does he go to your house? 

Brig. Oh, ah ! Well — that is, he promised us he'd call — 
some day. 

Lamb. Then I'll take the liberty of coming with him. I can 
go anywhere I please now, you know. I'm a grass widower. 

Brig. So sorry your dear wife has departed. 

Lamb. Don't waste a tear. We shall meet again in a bettei 
place — Harrisburg. 

Brig. [Drinks.] So glad ! Asikina agham. 

Lamb. [Drinks.] Same to you. I suppose now that lingo 
you talk is Egyptian ? 

Brig. No sir, Turkish ! Turkce, Effendim. 

Lamb. Oh, I take no offence. Turkish, eh? You don't say 
so. We don't hear it much over here, and it sounds so different 
from the others. Would you mind talking some more? 

Brig. [ With his mouth full.] Pek eji. 

Lamb. Yes, peck easy, or you'll choke yourself. 

Brig. Pek eji means with pleasure. 

Lamb. No! Well there's a good deal of sense in it, no 
doubt, when you come to understand it. I suppose your wife 
speaks it, too? 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 25 

Brig. Ewwet ! Ewwet. 

Lamb. Hear of it? No, I never heard of it. 

Brig. Ewwet, that's of course. 

Lamb. Ah, of course! Yes, of course. "Well! well! well! 
It must be very interesting to hear you two talking together. 

Brig. \_Picking his teeth and looking over the tray to see if any- 
thing may be left.'] If you think so, you've only to call and 
see us. 

Lamb. I will. I'll call with my son-in-law. 

Jack. \_Outside.'] All right, Jane. 

Lamb. That's him now. 

Jack Hemmarsly enters, l. c. 

Jack. Well, governor, are you ready ? 

Lamb. [^Starts up briskly and buttons his coaf] I'm with you, 
Jack. 

Jack, [e.] Morning, Colonel. 

Brig. Sabihiniz chajir olsun, Effendim. 

Jjamb. Hey ! Jack ! I say, you're a sly dog. 

Jack. Indeed ? 

Lamb. You never told me you called on the Colonel's wife. 

Jack. [ Uneasily.] I ? 

Lamb, [c] Yes, you. You'll have the pleasure of taking 
me next time. The Colonel asked me. Didn't you? 

Brig. [Drains bottle.] Gercekdir. 

Lamb. There, you see ! Jerk beer ! That means to drop in 
and have something. [Aside to Jack.] I want to get better 
acquainted with the fair Sultana, too. Ahem ! Here she comes ! 

Mrs. Tremont and Mrs. Briggs enter. Mrs. T. m carriage 
dress. Jane follows with parcels, with which she exits, r. c. 

Mrs. Tremont. [l.] How do you do, gentlemen. Ah, Colonel, 
I'm so glad to see you. 

Brig. [Has risen and wipes his mouth with napkin; next to 
Mrs. T.] Your husband was so kind as to ask me to breakfast. 
He's gone to his desk for a moment. Permit me. [Kisses her 
hand.] Bendeniz el oper, Sultanym. 

Lamb. [Who has been introduced to Mrs. B. by Jack.] So 
you endorse the Colonel's draft and honor my acquaintance ? 

Mrs. Briggs. [r.] If that means, do I join in his invitation, 
I have only to say I shall deem it an honor to become better ac- 
quainted with so polite and so clever a gentleman. 

Lamb. [To Jack.] I may say, without boasting, that her 
knowledge of human nature is wonderful. 



26 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Jack, [c] Now go and talk to the Colonel. You've made 
an impression. [Lamb goes up highly elated. Jack to Mrs. -B.] 
It's quite an unexpected pleasure to meet you here. 

Mrs. B. [r.] Quite so. 

Jack. \_Aside to her, as they come down the stage.~\^ Where can 
I see you? 

Mrs. B. [Same.'] This evening — at the Opera. 

Jack. [Same.'] I can't speak with you alone there. 

Mrs. B. [Same.] We must be careful. We ate watched. 
[ Crosses to L. of him.] 

Jack. [Same.] Nonsense ! 

3frs. B. [Same.] I know we are. I'm going away in a few 
days. 

Jack. [Same.] Where? 

3frs. B. [Same.] Not far. [Meaningly!] 

Jack. [Same.] Can I go too — afterwards ? 

Mrs. B. [Same.] Yes. 

Jack. [Same, passionately, about to take her hand.] Sybil ! 

Mrs. B. [Same, alarmed.] Hush! 

Jack, [e.] If it does not matter to you where you go, go to 
New York. I can run on there any- time, on business. When 
you arrive there, telegraph me to come. Sign the name of Brown 
and Brown. They are our correspondents in New York. Will 
you remember? 

Mrs. B. I can't promise. I have such a bad memory for 
names. 

Jack. [Produces card.] I'll write it for you. [Turns away 

Brig. [Coming to other side, L., of Mrs. B., and aside to her 
What's that? A check? 

Mrs. B. Go away ! You'll attract attention ! [Brig, goes 
up.] 

Jack. [Hands card^ Here's the name. 

Mrs. B. [Conceals it in her glove.] Very good. Leave me 
now. [They separate up r., down l.] 

Tremont enters, r. h. 

Mrs. T. [Goes to him.] Oh, there you are, my dear. 

Lamb. Hadn't we better start, son-in-law ? 

Jack. Presently. [ They take leave of the Briggses.] 

Tremont. So Captain Wesley proposed for Phronie. 

Mrs. T. Yes. It's a splendid match. The family are very 
old and noble. The only difficulty will be with his father. He 
thinks we Americans are all descended from the paupers, who 
emig-rated. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 27 

Trem. There won't be any difficulty. We refuse the Captain. 
Mrs. T. But, Pierce, I promised for you. I was just looking 
at the loveliest bridal outfit with Sybilla. It's all settled. I've 
given the order. 

Trem. \_Crosses to c."] Are you mad, Lizzie ? 

Mrs. T. You are most unreasonable. If you can do any 
better for the child, do so. \_Crosses to Mrs. B. Trem. ^oes to 
table to pour o\it a glass of wine, finds the bottle empty.'] I shall 
keep your wife a prisoner all day, Colonel. Did she tell you she 
dines with us ? 

Brig. No. But I hear it with pleasure, as I presume I may 
include myself in the invitation. [ To Mrs. T.] 

Mrs. T. We shall be charmed, if your engagements — 

Mrs. B. ITo Brig.] Why, Jefferson, have you forgotten your 
promise to dine with the Minister ? 

Brig. That was Thursday. 

Mrs. B. No, to-day. 

Brig. \_Annoyed.] Hahiket! [Hopefully.'] But he doesn't 
dine till eight, and I shall not be so ill-bred as to refuse our dear 
friend, Mrs. Tremont, merely because it entails the fatigue of 
eating two dinners in one day. [ Crosses to Mrs. T.] 

Mrs. B. [ Quickly.] Agyrim bu kabilidz dir. 

Brig. [Same.] lok kalmarym. 

Mrs. B. [To Mrs. T, apologetically.] I'm quite sure that 
Jeflerson would prefer your society to that of the official set- 
but he must remember what interests depend on him. Excuse 
me for impressing it on him. [To Brig.] Olmalsyn getmek! 
[ Quietly.] 

Brig. [Same.] Olmaz durkarym. 

Mrs. B. [Forcibly.] Size bir rigam warjok demejeniz. 

Brig. [ Violently.] Cok agyrym istesem bile edemem. 

Mrs. T. [To Jack.] It sounds dreadful. 

Jack. What's the row, I wonder. 

Lamb. [Hand to his ear to catch the words.] Sh ! Don't 
speak ! ^ He promised me to talk Turkey to her— and I guess 
he's doing it. [ Gets near them. Brig, to and fro, very excited.] 

Mrs. B. [Crossing from Brig.] Temelisiz soz dur okelenijo- 
rum. 

Brig. [Sardonic laugh!] Ganynyzy bu gun kejfim jerimde 
dejil hajde gidiniz. 

Mrs. B. Hajde gidiniz.^ Sus olamazmisiniz ! [Brig, hesi- 
tates.] 

Lamb. [To others.] I guess she had him that time ! 

Brig. Tilki oldatlamaz. [Crosses to l.] The next speeches 
are spoken together.] 



28 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Mrs. B. Allah ol zamani hirdahy giostermesin ne bachtzyz ym 
ben tvai olsun. 

Brig. \_Talhing at the same time.'] Kary-ary-dir. Kary-ary 
jokdtir sabra takatim kalmady. Gozunu-ac! Wai sanal \_Crosses 
to L. c] 

Lamb. {^Delighted.'] Bravo ! [Brig, and Mrs. B. start apart 
astonished.'] Thank you, old boy. \_Pats Brig, on shoulder.] 
Bravo ! It was splendid. 

Laimb is pulled up stage by Jack, Lamb clapping his hands and 
calling: " Good!" ''Good!" " Say so^ne more ! " Trem. 
on sofa, R., near fire, laughing. Mrs. T. behind him, at his 
shoulder. 



Curtain. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 29 



ACT II. 



■Scene. — A drawing room at Semmarsly's, very richly furnished. 
A library is seen at the back. Heavy curtains betxveen the 
rooms. Doors, R. and i.., fireplace, c. It is night. Chan- 
delier lighted. All characters in this act in dinner dress, ex- 
cept Mrs. Laynb, tvho is in travelling costume. A table down 
R., chairs either side. Sofa or divan at l. 

At rise of curtain, Griggles, an elderly family servant, shows in 
Latimer, c. l., as if from the street. 

Griggles. [r.] Shall I announce you, sir? 

Latimer. No. They are still at table? 

Grig. Yes, sir. 

Lat. Then I'll wait here. 

Grig. [ Going.'] Yes, sir. [ C/p R.] 

Lat. Griggles ! 

Grig. Yes, sir ! [ Coines back.] 

Lat. Griggles, this is confidential and important. I've come 
here merely to make an inquiry. The fact is, I've been away a 
few days, at my mother's. I don't tell you this because I think 
it may interest you, but simply to excuse my want of information. 

Grig. Don't mention it, sir. 

Lat. [c] What I wish to discover, and you may be able to 
inform me, is, whether a certain lady, to whom Mr. Hemmarsly 
was in the habit of sending bouquets and other trifles, is still in 
town. 

Grig, [r.] Oh, sir — and so you know ! 

Lat. You see I do. 

Grig. The lady left the city yesterday. 

Lat. Really! \_Crosses to r., and aside.] So she kept her 
promise. \_Aloud.] With her husband, no doubt ? 

Grig. No, sir — alone. 

Lat. Indeed — and where did she go ? 

Grig. I don't know, sir — but I suspect. 

Lat. Will you impart your suspicions ? 

Grig. I'm not sure, l)ut it may wrong Mr. Hemmarsly. 

Lat. Griggles, you know me to be an old and true friend of 
the family. Tell me what you suspect. I promise secrecy. 

Grig. That the lady hasn't gone very far. 



30 DOLLARS AND SENSE) OR, 

Lat. What makes you think that ? 

Grig. Mr. Hemmarsly sent me to the jeweler's this morning 
for a little ease he had ordered, and told me to go and secure a 
section in to-night's express for New York. 

Lat. [r., and meditaiively.'] For New York. 

Grig. Yes, sir. Well, this afternoon, when he came home, 
he sent me back to his office for a telegram he had left on his 
desk by mistake. It wasn't even in an envelope, sir, so I per- 
mitted myself to cast my eye over it. Here it is. [ Offers tele- 
gra:tn.~\ 

Lai. Will you permit me to cast my eye over it ? 

Grig. You are welcome, sir. 

Lat. {^Crosses to l., and reads."] "Important business. Come 
on to-night without fail. Brown and Brown." \_Looks it over.'] 
Appears to be genuine. Dated New York. Brown and Brown 
are well known. Evidently a business matter. What do you 
find strange in it? 

Grig. Look at it, sir. The dispatch Avas received at the office 
here at fifteen minutes past twelve. 

Lat. Well— 

Grig. Well, sir, I got my orders from Mr. Hemmarsly to 
secure his state room early this morning. 

Lat. Griggles, you're a sharp fellow. 

Grig. Oh, that didn't take much cleverness. 

Lat. So you suspect — [l., to himself.] Stop ! Now I think 
of it— the other night, at the Tremont's dinner, I picked up a 
glove with a card in it : " Brown and BroAvn" written in pencil, 
and Mrs. Briggs afterwards claimed the glove. [Aloud.] My 
dear Griggles, your suspicions are well founded. IBeturns tele- 
gram.] Have "the goodness not to announce me at all. I must 
go to the telegraph office myself at once. Much obliged to you. 
[Offers money.] 

Grig, [r.] Please don't give me any money, Mr. Harry. 
It would make me feel, as if I had played a trick on my master. 
I've been about and between you and Mr. Hemmarsly since you 
were little kids, sir, and I'd do a much meaner thing than only 
looking over a letter as wasn't mine — to save either of you from 
a folly or a danger — but to accept money for it would make me 
feel, as though I had taken a bribe for doing my duty. 

Lat. There, there — my good old friend. You needn't blame- 
yourself in the least, and 'I've no objection telling you what use 
I shall make of your information. I share your opinion that a 
certain lady is now in New York and waiting for Mr. Hemmarsly 
to join her. I believe with you that the dispatch is a fraud, sent, 
by" herself Now then, -I shall have a later dispatch sent form. 
New York, which will keep Mr. Hemmarsly at home. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 31 

Grig. That will be famous, sir — and just serve her right — 
for I think she's a very dangerous character, sir. 

Lat. So she is, Griggles, a very dangerous character. 

Crrig. What do you think of her husband, sir ? 

Lat. Nothing that's good. 

Grig. [r.J That's my opinion! I leave it to you, sir! What 
do you think of a gentleman, and a Colonel, too, borrowing five 
dollars from a servant ! 

Lat. [l.] Poor Griggles ! So you had to bleed, too ! That's 
pretty hard. 

Grig. Will you excuse me now, sir. I must take in the dis- 
patch. 

Lat. Certainly, go. Ah! — who have you to dinner? 

Gi'ig. Only Miss Phronie, sir, and Mr. Lamb. 

Lat. Miss Phronie, eh? I say, Griggles, why couldn't I 
write my dispatch here and get you to send it ofi" for me ? 

Grig. With pleasure, sir. I'll be back right away. [Exits, 

R. C] 

Lat. \_Crosses to table, n., produces a letter from his pocket, 
tears off a blank leaf, takes pencil from note-book, sits at table and 
writes?] Which of my friends in New York shall I ask to tele- 
graph to Jack ? There's Farringdon. He'll oblige me. [ Writ- 
ing.'] " Send the following dispatch at once to J. Hemmarsly, 
2d Street, Washington." [ Writes.] 

Griggles re-enters. 

Griggles. Telegram ready, sir? [l.] 

Lat. [ Writing^ In a moment. 

Grig. \_Half confidentially and approaching Lat. shyly.] I — 
I think Miss Phronie is going, sir. She just got up from the 
table and said good bye. [Going to c] 

Lat. Very well. [Bises and gives Grig, the paper and money.] 
Here, Griggles, take this for expenses. Make all the haste you 
can. 

Grig. Trust me, sir. [Exits, L. door.] 

Phronie enters at back from r., and gets her hat from sofa, l. 
Speaks off, as she comes on. 

Phronie. Don't disturb yourselves on my account. I'll be 
back in half an hour, Hope, and take you along with me. Good 
bye ! [Comes forward, sees Lat, and her manner changes.] 

Lat. [r.] Good evening. Miss Phronie, [She bows and is 
sailing out, l. c] Will you allow me to ask you one question ? 



•32 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Phro. \^Do%vn quick.'] A question — oh, yes. You may ask 
me as many as you like. Perhaps I shan't choose to answer 
them all. 

Lat. I must take that risk, of course. 

Phro. Well, what is it you want to know ? 

Lat. \_Going to her, gently.'] People say that you are engaged 
to Captain Wesley. Is it true ? 

Phro. It's the custom, I believe, to announce such important 
•events to the friends of the family. Have you heard of it that 
"way? 

Lat. No. It's not true, then? 

Phro. I won't say that, either. 

Lat. If not too late — take time to reflect. Miss Phronie. 

Phro. Reflect on what ? 

Lat. That such a marriage would be a mere patch-work, a 
patch-work of the pattern about which we quarrelled so. 

Phro. I'm still of the opinion that, in marriage, the principal 
thing is to match in worldly position and circumstances. 

Lat. Miss Phronie, people who really entertain such senti- 
ments, are either too young to know what they are saying, or too 
old to love. You are neither — therefore you can't mean what 
you say. 

Phro. \_Crosse8 to r.] At all events, I know what I am say- 
ing. I hope you are equally clear. \_Sits, R., of table.] 

Lai. But if you — if you — \_Pauses.] 

Phro. If I — go on — if I ? 

Lat. [Sits, L., of table, deeper tone.] If you, on the very 
threshold of life, wdth prospects all sunshine, — if you disdain the 
ideal of life — and that is pure, unselfish love — you wrong your 
nature, and outrage your heart. 

Phro. [Impatiently.] Well — and if I do? 

Lat. You will one day find that neither heart nor nature 
have been conquered, — that they will avenge the wrong, — that no 
power — not even death — can quench that divine spark, which 
makes man better than his earthly nature. 

Phro. [Tarns on him surjyrised.] You say this as if you were 
serious. [Rises.] 

Lat. I mean to be. 

Phro. [Hesitating.] How do you know — but — that I love 
•Captain Wesley? [Crosses to L.] 

Lat. Would you marry him, if he were poor and obscure? 

Phro. Probably not. You might as well ask me, if I would 
marry him if he were humpbacked and had a red nose. He 
happens to be straight and his nose is unobjectionable. There 
is one of your boasted love matches on exhibition in this very 
house. Do you pretend that it's a happy one? 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 33 

Lat. [r., sighs^ No. 
Phro. Well then— 

Lat But I trust to the love, which first drew Jack and his 
wife together from the whole world, to smooth over every dif- 
ficulty. And yet there is one danger ahead. 
Phro. What danger? 

Lat. Jack is about to put a barrier between himself and his 
wife, which it will be hard to remove. I wish to try and prevent 
him. Will you help me? 

Phro. I? In the first place — what is the barrier? 
Lat. He will leave the city to-night on the pretense of being 
called away on business. He must be stopped. 
Phro. Why? 

Lat. If he goes on his journey, he will do what his wife will 
hardly ever forgive. 

Phro. Is he going to buy some more horses? 
Lat. No. 

Phro. Oh, I know! They were speaking at dinner about a 
place at Tarry town for sale. Is that it? 

Lat. Neither. I beg you to forego the explanation, and 
promise me your support out of simple faith in my devoted 
friendship for Jack, and for your cousin Hope. 
Phro. [l.] But it's so strange— what shall I do? 
Lat. You were on the point of going home? 
> Phro. I was going to make a call next door, then come back 
for Hope and take her home with me. 

Lat. Can't you change your plans and stay here to-night? 
Phro. My father expects us. 

Lat. [Going up l.] Let me take a message to your father. 
Phro. And then, will you come back? [Crosses to R.] Hem! 
Lat. [3fock diffidence.'] 1 shall be obliged to— [QuicMy.i 
But I promise not to molest you in the least. 

Phro. 1 don't mean that. Only promise me, not to be so 
sarcastic. 

Lat. [Warmly.'] I swear it! And you'll help me ? 
Phro. Perhaps. 

Lat. I thank you for this confidence. 

Phro. [Crossing and going up l.] Oh, you don't possess my 
confidence by any means, yet. I shall expect a full explanation 
when I get back— then I'll judge myself, if I can assist your 
cause. Good bye. [ Going up.] 

Lat. Aurevoir! [Aside.] The little darling ! • 

Phro. [At door, a little forward.] Mr. Ju?ii\mQv—[ Hesitates.] 

Lat. Yes, Miss Phronie ! "^ 



34 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Phro. Nobody knows about the engagement between Captain 
Wesley and me, yet, so — 

Lat. You wish me to spread the news? 

Phro. \_Nettled^ On the contrary, I don't wish you to 
trouble yourself about my afiairs. If you don't like the Captain, 
that would be only one more reason why I'd marry him. 

Lat. Then from this instant I'll try and become infatuated 
with the Captain. 

Phro. Oh ! [ Then sarcastic.'] Please yourself, by all means. 
[^Exits quickly, c. L.] 

Lat. \_Alone, coming down.] Why do I play with this girl? 
I'm acting as if I were jealous of Captain Wesley. Absurd! 
But it's a great pity about her. She's spoiled, of course, and 
worldly; but she's loveable and young. Yes, that's it, she's 
young, so young that she must not be allowed to think of such a 
sacrifice, as this marriage. 

Jack Hemmarsly enters, r. c, from dining room. 

Jack. [Speaking off.] Excuse me, my dear. Father-in-law 
will keep you company over coffee. [Comes down.] Hello, 
Harry, that you? Why didn't you come in? When did you 
get back? 

Lat. [Down l.] This afternoon. I got here too late for 
dinner, and I didn't want to disturb you. Well, how are you ?* 
Look out of sorts. 

Jack. [Sitting L. of R. table.] So I am. The market went 
against me to-day. 

Lat. Are you in deep? 

Jack. Yes. By the way, did you hear that Mrs. Briggs had 
gone away? 

Lat. Really? 

Jack. Yes. [Rises.] All of a sudden. Nobody knows 
where. Probably gone South. 

Lat. So now you've nowhere to spend your evening! 

Jack. Bore, isn't it? [Crosses to l.] 

Lat. Well, I'm glad for your sake and your wife's. 

Jack. [Sits on edge of sofa, L.] I don't know what possesses 
Hope. She grows more homespun, dull and miserly every day. 
Her sole dissipation is an occasional concert and an infrequent 
Oratorio. If I want her to go out, she shrinks from a crowd. 
If I stay in, she gets sleepy at half-j^ast nine. If I go out alone, 
to the club or anywhere [Lat. coughs], I have to invent a pre- 
text. I want to enjoy myself. I'm young, got money, and mean 
to use it. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 35 

_ Lat My dear fellow, your wife is a treasure, you don't appre- 
ciate the value of. 

Jack. Shall, when I get old. 
Lat. I don't believe you ever really loved her. 
Jack. Much you know about it! Why did I marry, if I 
didn't love her? But she was another creature then — cheerful, 
blooming, laughing and rosy. All the men were raving— and 
I nearly jumped out of my head when she gave me the prefer- 
ence. There are times, old fellow, when it all comes back to me, 
•when I see her as she was, when I could fling my arms around 
her and snatch a kiss : but, by Jove, would you believe it, she 
looks around, for fear some one should see us, pushes me away, 
assumes her Quaker air, with her perpetual "Why Jack!" It 
acts like a cold shower — "Why Jack ! " 

Lat. \_Looking round.'] But how sweetly she manages your 
house — how devoted to her child — 

Jack. Well, I married something besides a cook and a child's 
nurse. 

Lat. Why don't you explain to her? 

Jack. I do and she says "Why Jack!" At everything sensi- 
ble I propose, it's "Why Jack ! " Why the dickens does she sav 
"Why Jack! " _ ICrosses to R.] ^ 

Lat. It's quite harmless, at any rate. 

Jack. Contrast her with la Briggs! There's a woman who 
unites bewitching beauty with a bewilderingly fascinating man- 
ner; makes herself the centre of every circle; takes pleasure in 
the artless display of her natural graces; and only look at her 
accomplishments ! She'll speak Italian to the Spanish Minister 
American to the English, and French to the Greek; she's a 
regular tower of Babel. There's esprit, elegance, tournure, 
chic — ' 

Lat. \^Takes him up.] Elan, pschutt, demi-monde hang! 
Jack, you're crazy. \_Crosses to R.] 

Jack. Oh, pshaw! There's no disputing with a stick like 
you I You'd better get married and wear a nightcap. You're 
just the man for it. 

_ Lat. That's just possible. We'll have a talk over it to-night 
if you like. You'll be at home, won't you? ' 

Jack. Until nine. Then I'm off to New York on business. 
Lat. Well, I'll see you before you go. I'll run over to the 
hotel first, and see if I've been wanted while I was gone. Excuse 
me to Hope. [ Going up.] 

Jack. [Crosses r. and sits.] Until nine— all right, old man, 

Lat. iTurns at door.] I say, Jack! An odd thing occurs 

to me. Wouldn't it be strange now if the Colonel were to tire 



36 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

of his wife's artificiality, display and veneer, and begin to rave 
about the domestic virtues, innocence, candor and purity of your 
wife, eh? 

Jack. [i?zses.] Pshaw! It's not the same thing. Besides, 
I won't have any joking on such a subject. 

Lot. [^Laughs!] How the shoe pinches when it's on the other 
foot! Just reflect on it, however, when your thoughts run on 
Sybilla Briggs. Bye-bye ! \_Exit8, l. c] 

Jack. \^Sits at R.] What a stupid idea ! Just like Latimer, 
though. I shouldn't have mentioned Sybilla to him. He might 
blab. 

Griggles enters, l. d., with tray and coffee, and Lyddy, r. C. 

No, he won't do that. But if Hope once suspected! I'll be 
cautious. I wouldn't hurt her feelings for the world. [Grig. 
appears to ask for a kiss. Lyd. shakes her head and passes him, 
but stops a second. He kisses her on the cheek. Jack tiirns and 
rises at the sound.'] Ahem! [Grig, exits, r,, Lyd. coines down 
confused and begins searching, l.] What are you doing there? 

Lyddy. [l. at sofa.] Mrs. Hemmarsly sent me for her needle- 
work. 

Jack. \_Approaching her.] Look here, Lyddy, I notice that 
you are very intimate with Griggles. You know how strict Mrs. 
Hemmarsly is about such matters. 

Lyd. \_Commences to blubber.] Griggles wants to marry me, 
sir. 

Jack. Marry you! Indeed! I like that — I mean I don't 
like it. We cannot consent to that, Lyddy. 

Lyd. Why not, sir? 

Jack. Because you are altogether too young for Griggles. 
[^Putting his arm around her waist] 

Lyd. But he's a very good match for a poor girl like me. 

Jack. [^Quite familiarly.] I'll find a good match for you, 
Lyddy. 

Griggles returns with the same tray, and comes down beside them. 

And you musn't flirt with Griggles any more. [ To Grig.] Well, 
what do you Avant? 

Ch-iggles. [r.] Coffee, sir ! Mrs. Hemmarsly sent me. 

Jack. [ Crosses to e,] Well — very well ! Put it down, and 
then come and pack my bag. [^Looks at ivatch.] Be quick about 
it, too. [^Exits, R. 1 E.] 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 37 

Grig, [r., to Lycl., as he puts the tray on table.'] This is a 
nice business. What did he say to you ? 

Lycl. He said I was too young for you. 

Grig, [r.] Look out for him, Lyddy. He sips from every 
flower. He's a butterfly — I mean a bee. 

Lyd. You'd better tell Mrs. Hemmarsly that. 

Grig. Not if I know it. 

Lyd. Anyway you ought to know me. I can take care of 
myself. 

Grig. I meant it kindly, Lyddy. Don't be mad. Give me 
a kiss. 

Lyd. You've had one. 

Grig. That one was nipped in the bud, just let this one blos- 
som on the bush. 

Takes her mouth between his hands, and is aboid to hiss as Hope 
enters from R. c. 

Hope. Lydia! \_They separate.'] If you have anything to 
say to Griggles, the proper place is in the kitchen. \_To Grig.] 
What are you doing here? 

Grig, [r.] Just brought Mr. Hemmarsly's coffee, ma'am. 

Hojie. [ Goes to table.] This is stone cold. Bring some fresh. 
[Grig, exits with tray, l. d.] Is Mr. Hemmarsly in his study ? 

Lyd. Yes, ma'am. 

Hopie. Very good. You may go. \_Exits after Jack, r. d.] 

Lyd. Caught twice! There'll be an awful row, sure! 

Arranges blind and then turns to go up. Lamb enters, R. c, in 
very cheerfid after dinner mood, humming " Wait till the 
clouds roll by." 

Lamb. Nothing like a bottle of champagne at dinner. Saphira 
says it goes to my head. Don't. It goes all over. Ah, is that 
you, Lyddy? Coffee ready? 

Lyd. \_Coming doivn T..] Griggles is gone for it, sir. 

Lamb. Lyddy, come here. Lj^ddy, {looks round, brushes up 
his hair on his temples] I can say Avithout boasting, that you are 
a very tidy girl. 

Lyd. \_Bobs courtesy.] Yes, sir. 

Lamb. Oh, but you are! Have you got a sweetheart, Lyddy? 

Lyd. Oh, sir ! I wouldn't — 

Lamb. You wouldn't. That's remarkable. I wonder at it. 
I wonder they don't eat you up, you look so appetizing. Nice 
red cheeks like chops — nice red lips like currant jelly — 



38 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Lyd. Oh, Mr. Lamb ! 

Lamb. \_Drawing her to him^ Yes. Lamb and currant 
jelly. That's a joke. Don't mind me. I'm an old gentleman. 
Ever so old. 

Lyd. Yes, sir. 

Lamb. Not so very old, you know. But, of course, no longer 
young. [^Paiting her under the chin.'] I never see a young, 
tender little thing but I take a fatherly interest in her. 

Hope and Jack enter from r. d. 

Lyd. Oh, mercy ! {^Ruiis out, l. c] 

Lamb. [Severely.'] And don't you ask me such a thing 
again ! Do you hear me, never again ! 

Hope. [Looks around.] Has she gone? 

Lamb. Who — oh Lyddy — ye — yes! She asked me — 

Hope. [r. c, to Jack.] It's not the first time I surprised her 
with Griggles, and I won't have it. You'll please give him a 
good talking to. 

Jack, [r.] Certainly, first chance I get. [/SiYs.] 

Hojje. I Avant you to do it at once. 

Griggles enters, l. d., with tray and coffee, ivhich he serves at 

table, R. 

This love-making among servants is the end of all housework. 

Lamb. [ Coming doum l.] So it is ! Look at Griggles ! No 
coflfee. [Crosses to R.] 

Hop)e. [Significantly to Jack.] Ahem ! Hem ! 

Jack. Hey ? 

Hope. Ahem! [Indicates Grig.] 

Jack. Oh, yes! I say, Griggles. 

Griggles. Yes, sir. 
' Jack. Griggles, I'm not satisfied with you. 

Grig. Why, sir, that would be the first time in ten years. 

Jack. Oh, you do your duty in general, but — 

Crrig. What have I neglected, sir? 

Jack. You — you — a — forgot to brush my silk hat this 
morning. 

Grig. I thought I did, sir — but I shan't forget again. 

Jack. Very good. [Grig, is going.] 

Hope. Ahem ! Hem ! 

Jack. Oh, Griggles! 

Grig. Yes, sir. 

Jack. It occurred to me just now, Griggles, that you were 
getting up a flirtation with Lyddy in the parlors. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 39 

Lamh. Oh, dear, dear. \_Pretends to be shocked.'] 

G-rig. I want to marry Lyddy, sir. 

Jack Ah! And what does Lyddy say? 

Grig, [c] Lyddy says she's willing, sir. 

Jack. And couldn't she say it somewhere else? 

Grig. I want her to say it in church, sir, and then it will be 
recorded above. 

Jack. Well, for the present you must register it in the lower 
regions. You understand ? 

Grig. Is that all, sir? 

Jack. You may go, Griggles. [Grig, exits, l. d.] 

Hope. Is that what you call talking to him? 

Jack. But they want to get married. There's nothing im- 
moral in that. 

Griggles re-enters. 

Griggles. Will you be away long, sir— will I put more than 
one change in your bag ? 

Jack. One will be enough. [Grig, exits, l. d.] 

Hojye. Where are you going? 

Jack. To New York to-night. Sudden call. 

Hope. To New York. 

Jack. Yes. I got a telegram from Brown and Brown. There 
it is. \^Ifands it over.'] 

Hope. \_Takhig it.] Can't you manage the business by tele- 
graph ? 

Jack. No. It says, don't fail to come — don't you see? I 
must go. 

Hojje. You didn't seem to know of this at dinner. 

Jack. [Irritated.] You mean I didn't tell you. It's nothing. 
Trip of a few hours by rail— what's the use of so many words. 
\_Goes to inner room and throws himself in a chair.] 

Hope. Why, Jack ! 

Lamb. _ Well, daughter, you must make up your mind to it. 
Business is business. You see it was very hard for me to let 
your mother go— but when it comes to business, business comes 
first 

Hope. [Leaning across table. She has been sitting at the back 
of table.] Papa, I have other fears. For months back. Jack 
has been going out ever/ night and staying out late. Where do 
you suppose he goes ? 

Lamb. Nowhere. 

Hope. Nowhere ? 

Lavib. Yes, nowhere. I go there myself We all of us go 
when we get the chance. iBrinks.] 



40 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Hope. He belongs to half a dozen clubs. First it was one — 
now it's one for every night in the week. I can't question — 
I won't descend to that — and no one will tell me what I wish to 
know. 

Lamb. Nonsense. It's all right. 

Hope. \^Rises at corner of table.'] You never belonged to a 
club, papa? 

Lamb. No. They wouldn't admit your mother, so I had to 
do without. 

Hojie. I may be foolish, but the moment he spoke of going to 
New York I began to have my misgivings. [Jack comes down 
and sits, L.] 

Lamb. Oh, he wouldn't go to New York for another club. 

Hope. Won't you try to gain his confidence, jmpa? I can't. 
If I do, he thinks I wish to deprive him of his liberty. 

Lamb. All right. I'll sound him right away. [Hope 
up, leans over Jack's chair, kisses his forehead, he turns aivay.] 

Hojye. Why, Jack ! [Exits, r. c] 

Lamb. [Rises.'] I say. Jack. 

Jack. What is it, papa? 

Lamb. I want to ask you something. [Jack rises. Lamb 
takes his arm.] You're going on business to-night, ain't you? 

Jack, [l., looks at him nervously.] Cer — certainly. What 
else? 

Lamb, [r.] I mean legitimate business. Business — business 
you know. No funny business. 

Jack. Business is business. I know but one kind. 

Lamb. I hope so. 

Jack. What do you mean by that? 

Lamb. Well, then, I can't sneak about a subject like a cat 
around a frying pan. I'd rather scald my paws. Hope thinks 
you've got into trouble and these clubs — 

Jack. [Laughs nervously.] Oh, is that all? I can reassure 
you on that point completely. [Mysteriously.] But you must 
promise never to divulge. 

Lamb. Oh, never! 

Jack. My half a dozen clubs is simply one social gathering, 
where a lot of us congregate to enjoy ourself, drink phizz and 
make up a game of cards. 

Lamb. That's simple enough. Whj; not tell Hope? 

Jack. Now, my dear papa, you must have noticed that Hope 
is nervous — dissatisfied, suspicious and jealous. She Avants me 
to spend every hour at home, yet she shut her doors to the world. 
Now a man who works all day, naturally wants a little relaxa- 
tion at night. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 41 

Lamb, [r.] Is that all? 

Jach. Perfectly harmless, I assure you. If you like I'll in- 
troduce you. 

Lamb. [^Eagerly and chuckling.'] I think I should. Just to 
study human nature. Between us, Jack, women naturally take 
a narrow view. Even your mother-in-law. Now, for instance, 
in our town a few of us organized for a quiet rubber, but our 
wives put a veto on it right away. So we had to change it 
to a bowling alley. The women didn't object to bowling. Said 
it was healthy. Besides they said they could hear us at that, 
and knew we weren't getting into other mischief To make the 
illusion perfect we hired two boys: one rolls the balls up the 
alley and the other rolls them down again. That gives us a 
chance to play our little rubber. 

Jack. So you have your domestic secrets, too. 

Lamb. Yes. It's awfully wicked. But man is a depraved 
animal. Statistics prove it. But I say, keep that little bowling 
affair to yourself. 

Jack. Agreed. Confidence for confidence! [^They shake 
hands.] 

Lamb. I say, shan't we go to-night? 

Jack. Go to-night? Where? 

Lamb- Why, to your social phizz — you know — the six clubs 
in one, eh? 

Jack. But I'm going to New York to-night. 

Lamb, [r.] I know, I know, but you might introduce me- 
on your way to the depot, and leave me to — to study human 
nature. \_Imitates dealing cards.] 

Jack. Study human nature? 

Lamb. _ Yes — so I can report to Hope what a perfectly harm- 
less place it is — see! 

Jack. Agreed. \_Cros8es to 'R.] 

Lamb. It's a bargain. 

Jack. All right. I must pack now. But papa, mum, you 
know. [Exits, r.] 

Hope appears bacu. 

Lamb. Mum! I should say so! If Saphira was to know! 
[Hope comes down.] 

Hope, [r.] Well, did you talk to him ? 

Lamb, [l.] Yes. You needn't distress yourself. 

Hope. Did you appeal to his conscience ? 

Lamb. Awfully. But you must know, Hope, that a man is 
managed best by giving him his own way a little. Don't you 



42 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

do like your moth — [ Checks himself.'] Ahem ! anyway, Jack's 
all right — don't worry about him. 

Hope. I see, he's deceiving you as well as me. 

Lamb. No, my dear, I'm not deceived. I insisted on his 
taking me along to satisfy myself. 

Hope And he agreed ? 

Lamb. At once. I'm going to-night. On his way to the 
train. 

Hope, [r.] But mamma wanted you to call on your old friend 
Peabody this evening. 

Lamb. Peabody can wait. Hem! I've determined to re- 
lieve your bleeding heart, my dear, and I'd go to-night in spite 
of Peabody and everybody. Besides I heard Peabody had gone 
to New York and wouldn't be back for a couple of years — I 
mean days. 

Phronie enters, l. c. 

Phronie. [c] Here I am back again. Why, uncle, not 
taking your after-dinner nap ? 

Lamb. {_ Crosses to c, up brishly.'] No, no time. Too much 
to do. Going with Jack to see Phizz — I mean — well, have you 
come to take Hope home with you ? 

Phro. [l.] I did intend to, but if Hope's willing, I'd rather 
stay here this evening. 

Hope. \_Crosses to c] How can you ask. Take off your 
things, [^c^sisfe her to do so, then gets to sofa, L.] 

Lamb. And I'll go smoke awhile till Jack's ready. [Goes 
up-l 

Phro. [ Takes his cigar case out of his pocket.] Let me choose 
a cigar for you. My, what great, long, fat, black things ! Horrid I 

Lamb. That's the kind I smoke when your aunt's away, my 
dear. [Going, stops at door.] Why, here's Mr. Latimer, girls. 

Latimer enters, l. c. 

The ladies are going to stay at home. They'll be glad of your 
company. 

Hope. [Seated, L.] Mr. Latimer knows he is always welcome. 

Lamb. Hear that? My daughter thinks you're the most 
sensible young man she ever met. Just like me at your age. I 
can say that without boasting. And as for Phronie — Phronie 
thinks — I say ! what was that Phronie said about Mr. Latimer 
at dinner — 

Phro. Uncle ! 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 43- 

Lamh. Well, it was something or other. 

Hope. Why, father! \_Beckons him to her. Lamb lights a 
match as he crosses to back of sofa and gives match to Hope, rvho 
holds it for him to light his cigar. 1^ 

Lamb. [To Hope.'] Well, what is it? 

Hope. How can you vex Phronie so? Look at her! 

Lat. [ Goes to Phronie.'] Your father consents to your stay- 
ing. And I've taken measures to have Jack's visit to New York 
countermanded by telegraph. 

Fhro. Suppose he conceals the dispatch? 

Lat. We must not let him out of our sight. 

Phro. I understand. {.They separate.] 

Griggles enters, l. d., ivith salver, on which are newspapers and 

a di^atch. 

Hope. [Bises.] What have you got there? 
Gh'iggles. Evening papers, ma'am, and a telegram for Mr. 
Hemmarsly. 

Jack enters from e., tvith his hat and overcoat. 

Jack. Evening papers, Griggles? 

Grig. Yes, sir, and a telegram. [ Goes over to Jack.] 

Jack. [Surprised, sits R. of table.] Telegram ? [ Takes it and 
papers.] Get my bag down and tell me when the coupe is at 
the door. [Grig, takes coffee things and exits, L. D. Jack 
throtos his coat over chair, R., a7id puts his hat on table, sits and 
reads telegram, after glancing at others, who all seem to be occupied. 
Phro. steals doivn and looks over his chair as he reads the dispatch. 
Jack seems puzzled over the telegram.] 

Phro. [Coming doivn.] Any unpleasant news? [Exchanges 
glances with Lat.] 

Jack. [Folds dispatch in a meditative mood.] Eh ? No — 
only a simple business message. 

Phro. [ Wickedly.] No disappointment I hope. 

Jack. [Suddenly turning to her.] What's that? 

Griggles re-enters with lamp, which he places on table and exits. 

Lamb. [Down to table, R.] It ain't from Phizz— I mean the 
club, is it? 

Hope. From where? Let me see it. 

Jack. I told you it was a simple business matter. 

Hope. So much less reason for keeping it a secret. 



44 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Jack. Oh, there ! Take it. [ Gives it to Hope.'] 

Hope. [Getting c, reads eagerly.'] "You need not come. 
Business conckxded. Wait for letter." Then you needn't go to- 
night ! Simple business matter — ? Why, Jack — this is delight- 
ful news. 

Phro. Delightful news. 

Lamb. Delightful. 

Lat. Very. 

Lamb. [^Aside.] He can take me to two or three Phizzes, to- 
night. \_Goes down R.] 

Jack. Yes, very delightful. I only wish I knew who sent it. 

Hope. \_Looits at signature] Why, Brown and Brown. 

Lamb. [At fire.] Of course — Brown — you know. 

Fhro. Why yes — Brown! 

Lat. And Brown ! 

Jack. Brown and Brown to be sure. But I can't understand. 
How does Brown know the business is concluded. 

Hope. [At table, r.] Why, Jack ! Who should know if he 
don't. It seems you are quite disappointed at not having to go. 

Jack. [Rousing himself.] Disappointed. Not a bit of it ! It 
is certainly no pleasure to travel in winter, 

Hope. Well then? [Rises.] 

Lamb. [ Other side, and. aside to Jack.] We can go to that 
club of yours — you know — Phizz. 

Jack. Hang the club. [Picks up neivspa'per and sits moodily.] 

Phro. [To Lat] Well done. 

Lat. Wasn't it. [They go up.] 

Phro. And now come up here and tell me what it's all about. 

Lat. Oh, Lord ! Now for it. [ Up to pia^io, l.] 

Lamb and Hope ai-e a little above fire-place, conversing. 

Jack. What can have happened? [Dro2:)S the papers.] I'm 
curious to know why she puts me off. Well, I can't go on to- 
night, that's settled. Perhaps I can find a pretext to-morrow. 
I must telegraph to her at once. Perhaps there's trouble with 
Briggs. [Rises and gathers up papers.] 

Griggles, entering, l. c. 

Griggles. Colonel Briggs wants to see ]Mr. Hemmarsly. 
Jack. [Going off -R. Aside.] The devil! [Aloud.] Sorry. 
Not at home. 

Hope. Why, Jack! 

Jack. Tell him I'm engaged. Griggles, bring the bag up 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 45 

again and send the coup4 off. Then come to my room. I'll give 
you a dispatch to send off. [Lat. and Grig, exchange sign; 
Jack continues to Hope.'] Get rid of the Colonel, or make some 
excuse for me. I won't be bothered now. \_Exits, c. l.] 

Grig. What shall I tell him, ma'am? 

Hope. Ask Colonel Briggs to walk up. [Grig, exits, l. c] 
This is painfully embarrassing ! I have the very slightest ac- 
quaintance with the gentleman, and not the least desire to know 
him better. 

Lamb. [l. o/r. tahle.l Do you know his wife? 

Hope. Do you? 

Grig, shows in Briggs, then crosses and exits, r. d. Lamb sinus 
into chair L. of table. As Brig, speaks he rises, points to offer 
his seat to him, and goes himself to r. of table. 

Briggs. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Achsamynyz 
chayir olsun sultanum. [To Hope.] I understand that Mr. 
Hemmarsly is engaged. Agyrim. I am sorry — but it gives 
me the opportunity of greeting you — bendiniz el oper. 

Hope. My husband will be at leisure, presently; pray he 
seated, and excuse me for just now. ^Boivs very stiffly, and exits, 
R. c.] 

Lamb, [r.] How is Mrs. Briggs, Colonel? 

Brig. Sukur Effendim ! Thanks ! 

Lat. If I am rightly informed, Colonel, Mrs. Briggs has left 
town. 

Brig. For a few days — yes. 

Lat. Oh, only for a few days. Do you propose spending the 
winter here? 

Griggles enters, r. d., whispers to Lat., and exits, R. d. 

Brig. I think so. Yes. Pek eji. We like the place ex- 
ceedingly. 

Lat. That's quite natural. 

Fhro. [Very innocently.] Is Mrs. Briggs your only wife, 
Colonel? [Sensation. Lamb chokes. Brig, coughs, Lat. bolts 
out, R. D.] 

Lamb. Phronie ! 

Phro. Why, isn't Egypt the same as Turkey? Can't you 
have as many wives as you like? 

Brig. [Believed, sits L. of table.] Ala ! Ha, ha, ha ! Cer- 
tainly, when a man is a Mohammedan, and has plenty of money 
— otherwise he must be satisfied with one. 



46 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Lamb. [Seated r. of table.'] And such a one ! [Brig, bows."] 
Lyddy enters, r. c. 

Lyddy. Mrs. Hemmarsly would like to see Mr. Lamb, just a 
minute. 

Lamb. But I can't leave the Colonel alone. 

Lyd. Mrs. Hemmarsly has just got a letter from Mrs. Lamb. 

Lamb. [Jumps up.'] Eh, what? From Saphira? 

Lyd. Yes, sir. I think she's on her way back. 

Lamb. [Collapsing.] Oh, Lord! [Rallying.] Nonsense! 
How can you frighten me so, Lyddy. [Crosses to c. Lyd. 
exits, L. c] If Saphira comes, she'll knock all my Phizz on the 
head. We'll see about this. 

Exits, R. c, as Latimer enters, r., with a newspaper. 

Latimer. Colonel, I believe you are wanted in there. [Indi- 
cates R.] 

Brig. AJerim! So much the better. [Bows to Lat.] Sir. 
[To Phronie.] Miss, I am more than ever charmed by your 
amiable pleasantry and ingenuous candor. [Going aside.] In- 
solent little minx. [Aloud.] Dil adami began ederf Silki aldat 
lamaz! [Exits, R.] 

Lat. [To PhroT] Jack has telegraphed to New York again. 

Phro. [Grieved.] Oh no. [Rise.] 

Lat. [r,] Yes. He first gave the dispatch to Griggles to 
take — then changed his mind and went himself. 

Phro. But you told the Colonel to step in there to see him. 

Lat. No, to see Griggles. I told him he was wanted. So he 
is, by Griggles. Griggles has business with him, too, by the way. 
But tell me — [opening the paper] does your uncle know that his 
old friend Peabody is dead? 

Phro. I think not. When did you hear it ? 

Lat. It's here. [Reads.] " Suddenly, in New York, 23d "— 
that's yesterday — "Ephraim Peabody." He was your uncle's 
oldest friend. 

Phro. [Crosses to r.] Yes, I know. But I'd give anything 
to know what Jack has telegraphed. 

Lat. Would you ? Then we'll try to decipher. Here's the 
next leaf from his message-book. [ Takes blank leaf from his 

focket.] Fortunately he wrote in pencil with a heavy hand. 
Goes to lamp and begins to read.] " Mrs. — " [Suddenly checks 
himself] No — I can't make that out. Oh, this I can — "Stay 
— where — you — are — will — try — and — come — to-morrow. ' 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 47 

[Phro. takes the leaf.'] So he's not going to-night. [ Crosses, leav- 
ing Phro. by the lamp.'] 

Phro. He won't read the address. [Looks at paper by lamp, 
ayid recoils.] Oh ! 

Lat. What's the matter? [Takes paper and crumples it — 
putting it in his pocket.] 

Phro, [r.] I — I — burnt my finger ! 

Lat. Oh! Which finger? [Takes her hand.] This one? 

Phro. 0— oh! 

Lat. Poor little finger. [He bends over and kisses it. She 
shakes her finger at him.] I'm so sorry ; I don't see any burn. 

Phro. It's the other. 

Lat. This one ? [Kisses it] 

Phro. The other! [Lat. kisses them all passionately.] 

Lat. Oh you — ! 

Phro. Mr. Latimer, we are alone. 

Lat. I know we are. Nobody can see us. Does it hurt 
much? 

Phro. [Withdraws hand.] Not now. Please don't mind. 
And now since our task is accomplished here — [suddenly] I'm 
going home. [ Crosses to L.] 

Lat. You can't go home with such a finger as that. [He gets 
it again, she withdraivs it and goes for her hat and wrap.] Wrap 
it up carefully. 

Phro. You can walk along with me if you like and keep it 
away from the draughts. 

Lat. With pleasure. [J.si(^e.] She's got the dearest little 
hand in the world. I shall walk home in the clouds. [Aloud.] 
I'll be ready in two minutes, Miss Phronie. [Exits, c. l,] 

Phro. [l.] He shall tell me why he wanted to conceal the 
name of that woman from me ! 

Lamb enters, r. c, with an open letter, and polishing his spectacles. 

Oh, uncle, what has Aunt Saphira got to say? 

Lamb, [r.] Funny sort of letter. I can't make head or 
tail of it. 

Phro. Is Hope in her room ? 

Lamb. Yes. Where are you going? 

Phro. [Crossing to r., and going up.] To say good-bye to 
her. I've changed my mind. I'm going home. [Approaches 
him confidentially.] Uncle, you ought to keep a close watch on 
Jack. 

Lamb, [r.] Close watch? Why? 

Phro. He has secrets from Hope. He has bogus telegrams 



48 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

sent to him when he wants to leave home, as an excuse for get- 
ting away from his wife. 

Lamb. Bogus telegrams? 

Phro. Oh, yes! Brown and Brown! Oh, I know all about 
it. You must keep your eyes ojien ! l_Exits, r. c] 

Lamb. [^Reflectively. 1 Bogus telegrams as an excuse to leave 
home, eh ? That's not a bad idea, that ! I'll make a note of it. 
\_Looks at letter in his hand.'] I wish I could make out what my 
wife means in this letter to Hope: "Dearest child — although my 
presence here is highly desirable, I have concluded to take the 
first train and come on to your father. Such an unexpected 
thing! He must be deeply affected. Such old friends. I am 
surprised he did not telegraph me at once. Cheer him up." 
[Speaks.'] Well, father don't seem to need much cheering. I 
can say, without boasting, that up to five minutes ago, I never 
had a jollier prospect. [Sits, r., at table.] I was going out with 
Jack for a night of phizz — and — [Reads.] "Will be with you 
this evening." Just in time to spoil my fun! Stop! I've got an 
idea ! Brown and Brown ! [Starts up.] Glorious ! 

Jack enters, c. l. 

What, not in your room? The Colonel is waiting for you. 

Jack, [l,., ^vith his hat on.] So he's here still. [Comes down.] 

Lamb. Yes. But, I say, my son, I've learned a capital thing 
from you. Ah, you rogue ! 

Jaek. [Getting around to R.] What is it? 

Lamb. You'll see. We'll have that outing together to-night, 
no matter what happens — stay all night,"if we like. Keep your 
eye on me! [Exits, l. u. e.] 

Jack. Extraordinary. 

Briggs enters from r. 

Briggs. Ah ! There you are at last. Sen-beni-dun onut san- 
dim! It seems you forgot I was here. 

Jaek. [l., haughtily.] I Avas busy — what do you want? 

Brig. I am busy, too. But first of all, I want to tell you 
that your footman is an insolent rascal. 

Jack, I never noticed it. What is your business with me? 

Brig. [Sobering by degrees.] Only this! I've just received 
a message from my wife. 

Jack. [ Warily.] Indeed. 

Brig. Pek eji, yes. ■ From Sybilla. [Searches.] What did 
I do with it? I must have left it at home. [Crosses to l.] 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 49 

Jack. No matter. You can remember it's contents, I suppose. 

Brig. Just think! Wewesede dir ! The worst luck! Just 
think, her pocket-book was picked on the way and all her money- 
taken. 

Jack. \^In symj)aihy^ Oh dear ! Where did it happen ? 

Brig. In Philadelphia, where she is now waiting for funds to 
go on. 

Jack. [Perceives the game.'] Hem ! So your wife is in Phila- 
delphia? 

JBrlg. Gerecg-dir ! I must send her some money right away, 
and I thought that you would accommodate me. Say two, fifty! 

Jack. My dear Colonel, why do you invent this lie and bring 
it to me? 

Brig. [Violently. 1 What? Gozunu ac. You mean to say I 
lie? Ganhakky! Ne demek dir bu ! 

Jack. [Imperiously.'] Drop your confounded Turkish! I 
don't understand the gibberish, and I don't believe anyone else 
does. I won't have you jabber at me. You might call a fellow 
anything you like and he'd never know it. 

Brig, [r., fiercely.] I'll talk English to you ! You have in- 
sulted me ! What do you mean by saying I lie ? 

Jack. Because your wife is not in Philadelphia ! [Sees his 
error. Crosses to lu.] 

Brig. Ah ! You know where my wife is better than I do ! 

Jack. Perhaps I do. 

Brig. [Forced calm.] You have secrets with her — behind 
my back. Have you considered my possible resentment? 

Jack. No. It's not worth considering. 

Brig. [Furious.] Saka edersiniz. We shall see. I'll make 
a disturbance. Here! Sabra takaiym! [Crossing and very 
violently^ Sabra takaiym! [Crossing up stage, still louder.] 
Sabra takatym — kalmady ! 

Jack. [Nervous^ If Hope should hear! Be quiet, can't 
you ? [ Crosses to l.] 

Brig. [Pointedly.] On one condition — ! 

Jack. What is it? 

Brig. You must retract the insult. Believe what I have told 
you, that my wife was robbed, that she is in Philadelphia, wants 
money — and let me have it. 

Jack. Those are twenty conditions. 

Brig. They all amount to one. 

Jack, [l.] Yes — two hundred and fifty dollars. 

Brig. For the present. [Meaningly, crosses to R.] 

Jack. [Angrily.] You're a swindler! 



50 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Brig. [Stage, r.] No, sir. I'm a man whose honor is not to 
be triHed with. You've roused my jealousy. 

Jack. You jealous — ! 

Brig. Yes, I! Kyshang! Jealous! You understand — 
Kyskang ! Kyskang ! 

Jack. Oh, yes! Kyskang! Step into my room and I'll 
draw you a check. Kyskang! [Exits, R. D.] 

Brig. [Bowing profoundly, then triumphantly.'] Memnun- 
num! [Exits, R. D., rubbing his hands.] 

Hope and Phronie enter, r. c. 

Phronie. [r.] Take my advice, Hope! It don't amount to 
anything, of course, because I'm a mere child and don't under- 
stand such matters. But I'd let Jack belong to all the clubs he 
pleases, and play cards as much as he wants to. 

Hope. And why, pray? 

Phro. Because if he don't play for one kind of stake, he will 
for another. 

Hope. Oh, he'll give it up. [ Crosses to r.] 

Phro. For what ? A home to which you never ask anybody. 

Hope. [Flaring up.] Whom should I ask? Those Briggs 
people, perhaps? 

Phro. [ Watching her.] The wife could give you some very 
much needed lessons in fascination. 

Hope. The wife is a flirt, if not worse! and not only with 
young bachelors like Harry Latimer — Avho seems to like it — but 
all the men are crazy about her! Look at poor old papa! — 
[ Goes down r.] 

Latimer appears in doorway with his hat and coat. 

Phro. [l., aside.] Mr. Latimer likes her, does he? When 
he read the telegram he concealed her name. Is he in love with 
her and merely jealous of Jack? [Sees Lat., hesitates an instant, 
and then goes to him.] Mr. Latimer, can you tell me Avhere Mrs. 
Briggs is? 

Latimer, [c, has been all radiance, seems startled.] Mrs. 
Briggs? [Crosses to L. of Phro.] 

Phro. Is she not in New York ? 

Lat. In New York? \_Falls in chair, L.] 

Phro. Well, I declare! [ylsirfe.] He can't answer. I never 
saw such a guilty start! [Aloud.] Thank you for your very 
didactic and polymathic replies! [Goes up and sits at back, c] 

Lat. Miss Phronie, listen to me. [Follows her up to exj^lain.] 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 51 

Lamb enters, l. c, rubbing his hands. 

Lamb. Now then— that's done. If Saphira does come I'll 
have a telegram that'll let me out easy. 

Hope, [r.] Have you inquired when mamma's train comes 
m, father ? 

Lamb. Yes. There's one due later, but I have my hopes— 

Hope, [r.] Hopes of what ? ./ r 

Lamb. [ Confused.'] That your mother won't be so imprudent 

as to travel at night. 

Hope. Are you going with Jack this evening? 

La7nb. I think I ought, so I can give you the facts, vou 

know. 

Hope. You needn't go on my account. {Goes tip.'] 

Lamb. iCrosses to r., sits at table.] Then I guess I'll (^o on 
my own. *= 

Hope. [ Crosses to R, d.] Jack ! 

Jack. [Liside, r. h.] All right! 

J^ope. Do you intend to lock yourself in all the evenino-? 
|_ (xoes up, R.] ° 

Jack [Opeiis door.] Had a letter to write. I'm comiuo- 
now. [ Goes back.] ° 

Gkiggles and Lyddy enter, l. c, tvith Mrs. Lamb's trunks and 

boxes. 

Hope. What trunk is that? 

Griggles. Mrs. Lamb's just come, ma'am. 

Hope [Buns to door, l. c] Oh, mamma! [Servmits get 

to xv« C. ! 

Lamb. I had a foreboding. 

Lat. [To Phro., with whoyn he has made up.] Glad she's 
come, -* 

Fhro. She'll put things in order. 

Lat. Your uncle don't seem overjoyed. 

Phro. I think he's been up to something. 

Mrs. Lamb enters in voluminous wraps and bundles. All relieve 

her. 

Hope. Dear mamma ! [Embraces her at door.] 
Lamb. My darling ! [ Gets in a kiss on her nose.] 



52 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Jack enters, r. d. 

3frs. Lamb. [In to7ie of deepest grief ."j Oh, Eliphalet ! Eliph- 
alet ! Wasn't it sudden ! 

Hope. [ To servants-l Carry the things right up to mamma's 
room. [Grig, and Lyd. exit, r. c, with trunks, etc.'] 

Mrs. L. [To Jack, solemnly.'] How do you do, Jack? 
[Shakes hands.] Isn't it shocking? 

Jack. Why you have quite surprised us, but — 

3Irs. L. Ah, Mr. Latimer. [Shakes hands.] We've met 
again [sighs] sooner than we expected. But it was enough to 
unhinge the strongest intellect. 

Phro. [l.] I'm here too, Auntie! 

Mrs. L. My dearest child ! [Kisses her.] All well at home? 
Such a blow! [Takes Hope back to c] Tell me, child — did it 
affect your father much? 

Hope. What, mamma? 

Mrs. L. He was Eliphalet's oldest friend. They went to 
school together. Stood up with us when we were married. And 
to go off so suddenly! 

Hop>e. Who, mamma? 

Mrs. L. Poor Peabody. 

Hoj)e. Is Mr. Peabody dead? 

Mrs. L. Didn't you know it? Your father must have kept 
it from you. Yes, died yesterday, suddenly. A dispatch came 
home for your father last night, and I see it's in the evening 
papers. [Hope goes to Jack.] 

Lamb, [c, coming forward.] Well, my dear, how about the 
strike? All quiet on the Susquehanna? 

Mrs. L. I'm surprised to see you so flippant, Eliphalet. Why 
didn't you tell Hope? 

Lamb. [ Crosses to R.] Tell her what ? Oh yes, by the way, 
what was in your letter about my state of feelings ? 

3Irs. L. Eliphalet, I don't know what to make of you. 

Griggles enters, l. c, with a dispatch on salver. 

Griggles. Telegram for Mr. Lamb. 

Lamb. [Aside to Jack.] What did I tell you ? Keep your 
eye on me. [Aloud.] Telegram for me, Griggles? [Crosses to 
Grig.] 

Grig. Yes, sir. [ Gives it, l. c] 

Lamb. [ Opens it and reads.] How unfortunate ! And you 
just got in, too. 

3Irs. L. [r. of Lamb.] What is it ? 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 53 

Lamb. Why here's Peabody telegraphs me he must positively 
see me to-night. 

Mrs. L. and Rope. Who? [Others look and starf] 

Lamb. My old friend Peabody. Evidently a matter of life 
and death. Ephraim puts it strong! [Hands dispatch.'] 

Mrs. L. [Beads with horror.] "Most important. Must see 
you to-night. Everything red hot. Don't fail." [ShHeksl 
Hope !— But, Lamb ! -" 

Lamb. What, Saphira ? 

Mrs. L. Do you mean to say, Peabods^ sent you this messao-e 
from the other world ? 

Lamb. The other what ? 

Mrs. L. He died yesterday. It's in the papers. 

General tableau and collapse o/Lamb, who corkscrews into Lat.'s 

arms. 



Curtain. 



54 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 



ACT in. 



Scene. — Same as Act 1. Curtains dividing the front and bac 
aparivient partly drawn, showing the inner room brilliantly 
lighted, as if for a reception. The fire is lighted in the for- 
ward room, and the more or less sombreness of Tremont's study 
is contrasted with the brightness of his wife's parlors. 

The lounge at the table is replaced by an easy chair, and 
the table is moved a trifle nearer L. 

Brilliant music before rise of curtain to become fainter and 
fainter till the curtain is up. 

Tremont aiid Mrs. Lamb are discovered at the table as the cur- 
tain rises, she is handing him over some papers bearing sem- 
blance to bonds, and she fastens up a little bag which she has 
always cavried. 

Tremont. [r. of table, glancing over the papers and putting 
them in a large envelope beside him.'} You don't know what a 
load this takes off my mind. It meets all my obligations. Again 
and again I thank you, my dear sister. 

3Irs. Lamb. [l. of table.'] Again and again is once too often. 
Let's say no more about it. What you must do now is to settle 
Jack's affairs. 

Trem. You know that his last speculation has nearly 
grounded him, and yet you persist in giving them all that 
money. 

Mrs. L. I do. But you must impress them with the idea 
that it has been our long cherished scheme to settle Hope's for- 
tune on her during our lifetime. 

Trem. And so you save Jack from bankruptcy. 

Mrs. L. Why not ? Should I do better by Hope if I refused 
to save him? It's helping him before he fails — and I prefer the 
former. I don't care about driving men like him into a corner. 
He might leave the country and take Hope — or that Egyptian 
party. I don't understand, Pierce, how you can make friends of 
such people. {^Rising, crosses to R.] But it's Washington fashion, 
I suppose. Well — you must go and i-eceive your guests. [^Tak- 
ing his arm.l Friends of your wife, eh ? 

Trem. \_Iiises.'] I don't know half of them. 

3Irs. L. But they're all greedy to come. 

Trem. No. They think it as much of a bore as we do. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 55 

Mrs. L. Then why in the name of conscience don't yon all 
join in the eight hour movement, and strike to get yourselves 
some rest? 

Trem. Can't get the women to join the brotherhood. Their 
devotion to the monopoly called Fashion, and the bloated corpo- 
ration called Society, condemns us all to eternal bondage. 

Mrs. L. Pooh ! Stuff! Let all you men, at a given signal — 
say a whistle, at eleven p. m. sharp, from a walking delegate out- 
side, drop your partners and walk out of the ball-rooms. 

Trevi. [r.] Without violence — but with expression of quiet 
determination, eh? H^a, ha, ha! No use. The women would 
go on without us. 

Mrs. L. You never make a greater mistake. A woman won't 
do anything unless there's a man near by, or shortly expected. 
Why are dinners given ? For men ! Women don't eat ! Why 
are balls given? To dance with men ! Without man— woman 
would sink into a state of barbarism— like a useless old maid. 
I'm what they call a strong-minded woman. Eliphalet takes a 
backseat. I lord it. Well, take away Eliphalet, and I tell you 
I should die. [^Suddenly.'] But don't mention any of this to 
Eliphalet — or — 

Trem. Oh, no, no— 

Mrs. L. I should never get the upper hand again. * 

Exeunt, r., passing Latimer, who enters, l. c, from a throng of 
guests, who have begun to assemble at the hack. 

Latimer. [Coming down.l I'm a fool to vex myself with 
that girl. Let her marry her Captain Wesley and be miserable. 
I've warned her— that's all I can do. [ Going up, and looking off.'] 
There she sits, so engrossed in conversation with him that she 
never saw me. [He bows off smiling, then comes down.'] No! it 
was some other noodle she was bowing to. My course is to for- 
get her. [Sits at table and turns over some photographs in a tray.] 
Her portrait — another— they are all the same. Her last sitting, 
doubtless. How lovely, pure and innocent she looks. 

Mrs. Briggs enters, c, as if escaping from the crowd, sees Lat. 

and stops. 

And that mouth — how charming I [He kisses the picture. As he 
does so, he turns, sees Mrs. B., and hastily slips the picture in his 
breast pocket] Ah ! it's you, my dear madam ! 

3/rs. Briggs. [Smiling and coming down, L.] Yes. It's I. 

Lat. [r.] I supposed you were travelling for the good of our 
health. 



56 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

3Irs. B. Yes ! I came back for the good of my own. 

Lat. Indeed. I thought you had found the air of Washing- 
ton rather insalubrious. 

Mrs. B. It was a false alarm. There was really no danger. 
In plain English, it was absurd of me to be frightened at your 
threats. 

Lat. Ah ! 

Mrs. B. Besides — if I were willing to go — my husband re- 
fuses to leave the city just now. 

Lat. So Jefterson Quincy refuses. How would it do for me 
to try my luck with him in person? 

Mrs. B. Have a care how you affront the Colonel — his anger 
might prove dangerous. 

Lat. You don't seem to be much afraid of it. 

Mrs. B. What do you mean by that? 

Lat. Suppose I tell him where you've been and what you've 
been doing? 

Mrs. B. [Shrugs her shoulders.'] I don't care. [ Crosses to r.] 

Lat. Ah, then he knows it. lAside.] I suspected as much. 
\_Aloud.'] In that case I shall transfer my attentions to him as 
the active member of the firm. For the present I wish you a very 
pleasant evening. [^Bows and exits, smiling, L. c] 

Mrs. B. [Looks after him. Savagely.] So he knew where I 
was — he prevented Hemmarsly following me. [Sits at table.] 
If I could revenge myself! What was he looking at so intently, 
here? [Rummages over the tray at table.] Ah, the photographs 
of Miss Chatterbox ! And he slipped one in his pocket. And 
she is engaged to Captain Wesley. [Rises^ There's room for 
some mischief. We shall see ! 

Jack enters from the inner room, r., bowing to some guests, and 
looking back as if for some one. Then he comes down without 
seehig Mrs. B. 

Jack. She's not come. Thank goodness. [ Turns and sees her.] 
Oh, Lord, there she is. [Tur7is, and attempts to steal off.] 

Mrs. B. [Sees him.] I presume you were looking for me, 
of course? 

Jack. [Returning, L., and with effusion.] Of course. Could 
you doubt it? [Down to her.] 

Mrs. B. [r.] It's false ! You were trying to avoid me ! You 
knew I should demand an explanation at the first opportunity. 
It Avas at your request I went to New York. It was with the 
greatest difliculty I found an old aunt there, to stop with and use 
as a pretext for my journey. I followed your instructions mi- 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 57 

nutely — telegraphed in the name of Brown and Brown — and 
waited three days for your arrival. I took the aunt out driving 
in the afternoon, I had to take her out shopping for hours, every 
day, and fit her out completely — and feed her at every restaurant. 
Do you think I enjoyed myself? [^Crosses to L.] 

Jack. Well, no. But you see I should have gained nothing 
by going on. The hungry aunt would have been in the way. 

Mrs. B. [Loudly.'] Do you mean to jest with me, sir ? 

Jach. Sh ! Speak lower. We are watched. \_Points offi] My 
mother-in-law has us in direct range. 

Mrs. B. [ Crosses to r.] What do I care for your mother-in- 
law? I demand an explanation. [Sits at table, R.] 

Jack, [l.] Didn't you telegraph me not to come, but wait 
for a letter — and didn't I wait for three days, while stocks tum- 
bled to nothing and I was gravelled? 

Mrs. B. I telegraph you not to come ! Look at me ! How 
can you have the face to tell me such an untruth ? 

Jack. [Hands her telegram.'] Can you deny your own mes- 
sage? 

Mrs. B. [r., glances at it.] Some one is playing you a trick. 
[Crushes telegram and throws it down. He carefully picks it up 
and pockets it.] 

Jack. [ Very anxious, up and down.] It's more than a trick. 
I am suspected, and I don't feel safe. Won't you please move 
more to this side. I know my mother-in-law hasn't taken her 
eyes off us for a moment. I feel her optics penetrate my very 
bones. 

Mrs. B. [r.] What do I care for your mother-in-law? Be- 
sides, it's not she, it's your friend, Mr. Latimer, who plays the 
spy. [Vehemently.] 

Jack. [ Whispers beseechingly.] 'Sh — do, please — my mother- 
in — 

Mrs. B. What do I care for your — [As Jack dances and ges- 
ticulates in agony, she crosses l. of him, in contempt.] But I see it 
all ! [ Crosses to l.] Your pretended sympathy, your affected 
interest — it was a trap — to get me into your power — to compro- 
mise me. [Turning on him fiercely.] But you shall not enjoy 
the triumph ! [ Crosses to R.] 

Jack. [In agony.] I — beg — of — you — don't — talk — so — 
loud ! My mother-in-law — 

Mrs. B. [Taking stage again.] What do I care for your 
mother-in-law ! 

Jack. [Sinks in chair, R. of c, table.] Of course — of course — 
I married her and you didn't — I mean I married her daughter. 
But do steji this side a little more, please. [Rises.] 



58 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Mrs. B. {Sarcastically and haughtily.'] Ha! ha! You are 
growing timid. This is something new ! [Sits, R.] 

Jack. [i?tses.] My wife's mother has come to live with us. 
That's something new. My wife goes out with me now — every- 
where — that's something new. And I'm almost financially cleaned 
out — and that's something new. 

Mrs. B. [Rises.] This is all one to me. I consider your 
conduct insulting, and your excuses absurd. [Going.] I shall 
give you one more chance. I shall be at home to-morrow, between 
twelve and one. If you let that hour pass without justifying 
yourself, I shall treat you hereafter, wherever we meet — with the 
scorn and contempt your conduct deserves. [Exits, c] 

Jack. [Relieved.] That's just what I want. [Crosses to R.] 
It's astonishing when a fellow gets into difficulties, how much he 
begins to appreciate his wife. 

Hope appears at centre, with Lat., and meets several gentlemen, 
with whom she seems in great good humor. 

The only drawback is that mine begins to exhibit the utmost in- 
difference to me, when we go out together. She can smile and 
chat with everybody else — and freezes at the very sight of me. 
[With determination.] I'll have an explanation! [As he goes 
up, Roberts, who has been offering cups of bouillon on one side of 
groups, in rear room, and Jane, who has been offering tea, on the 
other side, meet him and offer.] 

Roberts, [l.] Bouillon, sir! 

Jane, [r.] Tea, sir! 

Jack. [Savagely.] No. [He goes up, but at each attempt to 
get in a word with Hope, she takes no notice of him, but converses 
and laughs with rest.] 

Jane. [Down stage^ That's a new thing, to see Mrs. Hem- 
marsly at a party. 

Rob. She's woke up and going it. 

Jane. Yes, woke up to the fact that she must go after him — 
if she wants to keep him. 

Rob. [ Crosses to r.] Oh, she knows how to manage him. 

Jane. I hope you won't want managing after we're married. 

Rob. [Ardently.] Jane — how can you ! [ They come doivn, r., 
close together. The trays collide as both face at the same time to go 
up and off — offering to guests and to Hope and Lat., ivho come 
down.] 

Rob. Bouillon, sir? 

Jane. Tea, ma'am? 

Hope. No. [ Coming down wearily.] This is my third party, 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 59 

this week, and I meet the same people in every house. It's 
foolish, and I'm tired of it. [ With energy.'] Come, I'll leave 
and go home. [_They turn to go up.] 

Jack. [ Who has delayed a moment with the group above, now 
meets them.'] Are you fatigued, Hope? Do you wish to go 
home? If so, I'll go with you. 

Hope. [ Clianging.] Home ! so early ! what are you thinking 
of? 

Jack. Oh, nothing! only — \_To Lat] Harry, somebody's 
looking for you. 

Lat. Who? _ 

Jack. Phronie ! 

Lai. I think you're mistaken. We've just left her. But as 
you seem anxious to have some one looking for me, why I'll see 
what can be done. \_Exits, c. l.] 

Hope. Why did you send him away? 

Jack, [l.] Because I wish to speak to you. Your behavior 
of late has been very singular. I think I know why. It began 
when your mother came into the house. 

Hope. [ Crosses to l.] Don't favor us with the old tune of 
the mother-in-law, I beg, especially since I am now trying to 
dance to your new music; I go everywhere; see everybody; ac- 
cept everything; never ask where you spend your time, and 
learning, in fact, not to care, as well as not to know. 

Jack. You treat me with offensive indifference. 

Hope. My solicitude used to be offensive! "Why, Jack!" 
Ha, ha, ha! Don't you remember. " Why, Jack?" How could 
I have been so foolish. 

Jack. I fail to see that my happiness is at the bottom of your 
amendment. 

Hope. I confess it is extremely difficult to earn your appro- 
bation, for me at least. I have the painful consciousness of 
being a hindrance. 

Jack, [r.] Hindrance! Nonsense! 

Hope. If I am mistaken, so much the better. At all events 
you will know your our mind more fully after a short absence. 

Jack. Absence ! I'm not going away. 

Hope. I am going home with papa and mamma on a visit. 

Jack. IStage, R.] I won't permit anything of the kind. 

Hope. [^Passing up c] That is not of the slightest consequence. 

Jack. You forget I am your husband. [ Crosses to l.] 

Hope. Who forgot it first ? Is it my fault that love and con- 
fidence are gone? I am told that it is; that I must rouse your 
languid interest by shining in the world. That may be the way 
to cement affection on the stage, and the flaws of the process 



60 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

can't be seen in the glare of the footlights. But for marriage in 
real life the only lasting tie is a love that springs from purer 
sources than flattered vanity. I shall not stoop to gain any 
other. Go where you please, do what you will. My absence 
will save you the humiliation of scheming to deceive me. {_JSxits, 
c. L.] 

Jack. [^Strides across to r., after a short pause.^ That's my 
mother-in-law ! [aS%s.] That's my mother-in-law ! [^Starts up.'\ 
That's my mother-in-law. [ Crosses to L. and sits on so/a.] 

Roberts. {^Coming down R.] Bouillon, sir? 

Jack. No. 

Jane. [ Coming down L.] Tea, sir ? 

Jack. No, no. 

Lamb enters c. 

Roberts and Jane. Bouillon, sir? Tea, sir? 

Lamb. No, no. Stop, yes ! [ Takes a cup of each. Roberts 
exits, R., Jane, l., serving guests.^ 

Jack. I hope you're enjoying yourself. [^Rising.'] 

Lamb. Yes. I can say without boasting that I am in splen- 
did condition. What a place this Washington is! Once get in 
the maelstrom and you're drawn into a whirl of teas, receptions, 
dinners, parties, suppers, and every other luxury of the period. 
But what's the matter with you? You don't look well. 

Jack. I'm disgusted. 

Lamb. You don't eat enough. Let me send you something. 
\_Crosses to l.] 

Jack, [c] No. Stay here a moment. I wish you to know 
the cause of my ill-feeling. 

Lamb. The effect is quite enough for me. Never mind the 
cause. \_Crosses to r., going. J 

Jack. I insist. 

Lamb. Well, what is it? 

Jack. My wife treats me in a fashion I'm not inclined to 
endure. 

Lamb. That's strictly your business, you know. [^Starts to go 
up, Jack stops him.'] 

Jack. Not altogether. She has been put up to it. 

Lamb. By whom? 

Jack. Your wife! 

Lamb. \_Crosses to L.] Saphira! Well, that's her business. 
[ Going.'] 

Jack. [^Stops him.] Yes. But she allows her imagination to 
get the better of her, and has infected Hope with suspicions 
relative to my intended trip to New York. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 61 

Lamb. l^Wichedly.'] I should think so, when you have bogus 
telegrams sent you. 

Jack. The people who telegraph me, Mr. Lamb, at all events 
are alive! 

Lamb. [^Tur7i8 away confounded.'] Hem! True, that is an 
extenuating circumstance. 

Jack. Your wife has peculiar notions about the measure of 
freedom to be allowed a husband. But do you think I could 
stoop to occupy the position towards a wife you do? \_Stage, R.] 

Lamb, [l.] I say, Jack, I object to your criticism and your 
tone. It can't concern you what stand my Saphira takes to- 
wards me, or I to her. Our positions are not the same. After 
you have fought the good fight for twenty-five years — imsucess- 
Jully — you'll give in. Man is mortal. 

Jack. But I'm no slave to women, do you understand? 

Lamb. I understand everything, except the sense of your 
telling all this to me. 

Jack. So that you can tell your wife — 

Lamb. [ Crosses to r. Jack catches him.] Excuse me. You 
can do that yourself. 

Jack. No. It wouldn't be proper. She's a guest at my house. 

Lamb. I'm your guest, too. You don't seem to be particular 
with me. 

Jack. We are men, and between men there is no need of so 
much delicacy. 

Lamb. Oh, you need not hesitate to go a trifle rough with 
Saphira. I can say, without boasting, that she'll return the com- 
pliment. 

Mrs. Lamb enters, c. l. 

Lamb. Here she comes now. You can begin at once. \_Crosses 
to c] You are just in time, my love. Mr. Hemmarsly has 
something to say to you. 

Mrs. Layiib. Well, Mr. Son-in-law ! [Stage, L.] 

Jack. \_Crosses to Mrs. L.] I have explained everything to 
your husband. He will tell you in his own way. [Going, Lamb 
catches hiyn and turns him aroxmd.] 

Lamb. It would be much better for you to tell it in your 
own way. I won't interrupt. \_Gowig.~\ 

Jack. [Catches Lamb, turns him aroimd.] No. Stay here, I 
beg. You know my reasons for making you my interpreter. 
[Exits, R. c] 

Lamb. Well, I— [Up r.] 

Mrs. L. I'm curious to know what Mr, Jack doesn't venture 
to say to me himself. 



62 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Lamb. \_Coming down.'] Ahem! Why — you see — well, that 
is — to be brief, Saphira, Jack honors and esteems you beyond 
measure, but you being his wife's mother— 

Mrs. L. He naturally suspects me of protecting her interests 
instead of excusing his follies! And he desires you to express to 
me his sovereign pleasure that I shall no longer influence Hope 
by my motherly advice. [^Crosses to R.] Have I guessed it? 

Lamb. Well, Saphira, I can say, without boasting, that you 
can get to the heart of a watermelon quicker than any woman 
breathing. 

3frs. L. Well, if that's the case, you may tell Mr. Jack that 
he is mistaken, I have never tried to open Hope's eyes ; that I 
should be the last person in the world to make her unhappy by 
doing so. And that I have quite enough work cut out for me 
by my own husband to spare time meddling with hers. \_Croases 
to L.] 

Lamb, [r.] I fail to comprehend that last allusion, my dear. 

Mrs. L. Didn't you help to deceive Hope about her husband's 
club? 

Lamb. lAdvancing to Mrs. Z.] Mere strategy on my part. 
1 wanted to discover what sort of a club it w^as. 

Mrs: L. I suppose you learned your strategy from that 
Egyptian Colonel! [Making Lamb face her.'] Or was it from 
his wife? 

Lamb. Why, Saphira, I — I — I only went with Jack. 

Mrs. L. Yes, you served as a cloak. You helped your son- 
in-law to deceive his wife. Why, Eliphalet! that I should see 
you do such things in your old age. 

Lamb. Come, now, that's coming it too strong, Saphira. 
What are you driving at? [Mrs. L. turns away up stage.] My 
conscience is as white as a new born infant — [Crosses to l.] a 
white infant of course. I did everything for the best. 

Mrs. L. Especially the telegram you got from Peabody! 
[Lamb sinks into a chair, R. of table.] 

Lamb. Well, he died very suddenly, that's a fact. I couldn't 
foresee that. 

3frs. L. [Leans over back of his chair.] Washington suits 
you too well, Eliphalet. It's time we went home. 

Lamb. [Jumps up, crosses to R.] I don't see it. I mean to 
run for Congress next fall. 

Mrs. L. [Stands back to fire.] You can't get elected. You 
shan't have even a ten dollar bill for your canvas. No, Eliphalet. 
No Washington for us. We've earned our money by hard work. 
It shan't go in high living. Fortunately I'm on hand to keep 
you in check. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 63 

Lamb. \_Advancing to her.'] Saphira, it is too late now for 
me to undertake a reform in our domestic department. But you 
forget that when we married, you promised to love, honor and 
obey. 

Mrs. L. Eliphalet, you — \Sits, L.] 

Lamb. It's all right. Don't froth up. I don't complain, 
but I can say this much without boasting, if I had it to do over 
again — 

Mrs.L. Well? 

Lamb. I'd make provision for having the commandments of 
the church observed more strictly. [Exits, c] 

Mrs. L. [Rises^ The man must be got home without delay. 
His health is getting impaired here. He eats all the time and 
never gets a pound fatter. 'I believe it all goes to his head. 

Goes tip, meeting Phronie, who enters, c. l. 

Oh, Phronie, darling! Well — [Confidentially^ Have you 

settled everything with your young English Captain? 
Phronie. [Brightly.] Yes, Auntie. [Sits, L.] 
Mrs. L. And it's all right now? [Phro. nods and says" UJn."] 

So much the better. But you look flushed and excited. Stay 

in hei-e quiet for a few minutes. I'll close the curtains. [Phro. 

sits do\on r., Mrs. L. pats her head affectionately, then draws the 

curtains close and exits at back.] 

Phro. [Nestling down in the arm-chair.] I feel as if a heavy 

burden had been lifled from my heart — and I'm so content. 

[Musingly.] I wonder what ]Mr. Latimer will say when he hears 

of it. [Li arm-chair concealed by its back.] 

Tremont and Mrs. Tremont enter. She looks in through cur- 
tains, c, and seeing no one, urges him in. 

Mrs. Tremont. [l.] Come in. We must come to some de- 
cision. 

Tremont. But this is not the time or place to discuss such 
matters. 

Mrs. T. They've been sitting together half the evening. Their 
engagement is in everybody's mouth — and people wonder we 
don't announce it. I've prepared a neat little paragraph for the 
reporters. [ Hands paper.] 

Trem. [Without looking at paper.] I can't believe it's 
Phronie's wish to marry him. 

Mrs. T. But it is. You know how shy she is. And what a 
brilliant future it opens to her! A member of the English 
aristocracy. [ Crosses to r.] 



64 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Trem. Would you have me give my daughter away with a 
lie? Let her and her husband believe I'm a man of fortune? 
It won't do. You must give up your craving for show and pre- 
tention. If my sister had not this very night come to the rescue, 
I could not have met my mortgages to-morrow. 

3Tr8. T. [^Calmly.'] Well, I'm glad the mortgages are all 
right. \_Crosses to L.] But you were correct. This is not the 
time or place to discuss such matters. [^Applause heard, L. u. E.] 
Dear me, I must be wanted. We are just going to have the 
music. Herr Josephus is going to play — and Siguor Monte- 
campo will sing. 

Trem. Yes, at a hundred dollars a song. 

Mrs. T. [Running off.'] Oh, Pierce! \_Exits, l.] 

Trem. [Solus. Soft music, as from within.] It will be a hard 
struggle — but I'll be firm. Phronie shall not be sacrificed to my 
wife's ambition. [Reading from the paper in his hand.] "Daugh- 
ter of the millionaire lawyer Tremont." — And yet if she loves 
this man — if her heart is bound up in this marriage — shall I 
help her — shall I permit this false impression to continue? No, 
I will not do it. [Tears up the paj^er and throws it in the fire- 
place.] I feel that her mother breathes a blessing from heaven 
upon me for this act. [ Quite a pjause. Phro. has crept from her 
seat as he threw the pajier in the fire, as if with the desire to throw 
her arms about him; a second thought seizes her and she draws 
hack, then falls on her knees at mention of her mother's name and 
kisses the hem of his coat — then jumps up quickly and reaches her 
chair again. Trem. turns from the fire and finds himself face to 
face with her.] Phronie ! 

Phro. [Pretending to have just woke.] Really, papa — I be- 
lieve I've been asleep ! 

Trem. Asleep ! [Dubiously.] 

Phro. [l.] Yes. I was so tired out. Do you know, papa, 
I think our receptions are getting to be a bore. You see, I came 
in here — in there I mean — [pointing to chair] and fell asleep. 

Trem. [r.] That's singular. 

Phro. Well, perhaps it was my very great peace of mind 
that made me drowsy. You must know, papa, that I've been 
very much agitated lately — up to this evening — up to a little 
while ago, in fact — when I took a step I've been contemplating 
some time. You won't be angry if I tell you something sudden. 
I'm not going to marry Captain Wesley. 

Trem. What? 

Phro. We had a full understanding to-night — and we agreed 
that we had been too hasty — and that our ideas were too crude — 
and that he was too young and I couldn't respect him, and finally 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 65 

we agreed to break off, because our marriage would spoil two 
excellent friends. You are not angry, are you, papa? 

Trem. [ Gazing at her.'] Certainly not, my daughter, if you 
are speaking the truth. 

Phro. Oh, I am, papa. Of course, you'll have me on your 
hands — but don't let that worry you. I won't be expensive, for 
I'm getting tired of society, papa, and my idea of perfect happi- 
ners is a home where real friends meet — not a crowd of mere 
acquaintances. 

Trem. \_Crosses to chair, R. c, Phro. kneels at his side, R.] 
Phronie, you have not been asleep. 

Phro. Yes, papa, I have. I have slept a long, heavy sleep, 
full of vain dreams. But I'm awake now, and I beg you to for- 
give me for not having seen this long, long time those lines of 
care on your brow. [Smoothes his forehead with her hands.] 

Trem. My darling — my daughter! Ah, if your step-mamma 
would only wake up ! But she has turned over to dream of the 
aristocracy. 

Phro. We are two to one, papa — and those are odds. She 
can't stand. 

Trem. Let us go and tell her the news at once. Or shall I 
go alone ? [ Going up.] 

Phro. Yes, you go, papa ! She might scold me for giving up 
the English Captain — and I want to feel as happy as I do now 
for just a little bit longer. 

Trem. [Kisses her.] Don't stay away from us too long. 
[Exits, c. L.] 

Phro. [ Comes down, L.] My heart is full. I'm so happy — 
so very happy. And yet I wish I could have a good cry. [Sits 
in chair, c] 

Latimer loohs in, c, between curtains. 

Latimer, [l.] Not here, either. [Descries her.] Yes, there ! 
[Comes down L., softly.] Miss Phronie! 

Phro. [Starts.] Oh, Mr. Latimer, is that you? 

Lat. [l.] Your sudden disappearance was so strange. I 
came to look for you. Why do you stay here alone? Are you 
ill? 

Phro. No. But I feel melancholy. 

Lat. Indeed! Why? [Takes chair near table, sits.] 

Phro. I've been reflecting on my mode of life. I'm dissatis- 
fied. I long for a change. 

Lat. [Leaning back.] And I suppose it was this change you 
were discussing with Captain Wesley so earnestly this evening. 
5 



(5(5 DOLLARS AND SKNSE; OR, 

Phro. [Innoeently.l Oh, you saAv us. You don't answer. 
Now you look ill! [Lat. 7' Ises, crosses to B-fpassbig behind tab le.^ 

Lot. I am. I've been thinking. 

Phro. I see, and it has been too much for you. 

Lat. Almost. You've hit it. 

Phro. Well, let me cheer you a little. I have come around 
to your way of thinking. I believe with you that there's no 
place like home. 

Lat. There's no place so unlike it as our modern habitations. 
Once upon a time it was considered a privilege to spend an even- 
ing with a friend at his hearthside : nowadays the hostess feels 
she owes her guests an explanation when her house isn't over- 
crowded. 

Phro. And the highest ambition is to "draw" like a "star" 
at the theatre. Well, there'll be a change with us. I've just 
been talking it over with — 

Lat. [^Pulling his moustache.'} The Captain ? 

Phro. No. Papa. 

Lat. Oh, with papa. 

Phro. We'll give no more large parties — only have intimate 
friends. 

Lat. May I count myself among them ? 

Phro. \_Mises, crosses to R., sife.]_ Papa will always be glad to 
see you. 

Lat. And you — but you'll be married and gone, I suppose ? 

Phro. Oh, as regards myself^ — I'm by no means "a good 
match" — I think that is what you call it? 

Lat. "Good catch." 

Phro. \_Seated R. of table, at fire.} Well, "good catch." — So 
I can't dream of marrying a man who calculates upon a large 
dowry.' 

Lat. But the Captain is satisfied? 

Phro. Oh, perfectly. We had a long talk and both of us 
displayed great good sense. 

Lat. Oh, he's no fool. 

Phro. That means that I am ! 

Lat. Well, he's got the best of the bargain. 

Phro. A little coarse, but evidently intended to be compli- 
mentary. {^Rises.} 

Lat. [^Passionately.} I envy him from the bottom of my 
heart. 

Phro. [Mock surprise.} For having got rid of me? 

Lat. Rid of you ? You mean that you are not to marry him ? 

Phro. No. [Shaking her head very vehemently.} 

Lat. Why then, you can marry me! 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 67 

Phro. \_Bounds away.'] Mr. Latimer! [Oosse? fo L.] 

Lat. I can't, I won't believe that you've made a sacrifice of 
your feelings in giving up the Captain, so I may speak to you 
now. I love you. I loved yow before I knew it myself, and 
now if I'm not too old, too ugly, too poor, too hopelessly insane, 
if you think you can love me only a little bit to begin, then, my 
darling, marry me and make me the happiest man in the world. 

Phro. After all you've said to me about my faults, you think 
I could make you happy ? 

Lat. If you could feel the bounding of my heart at the very 
thought of you saying yes, you wouldn't ask the question. 
Havn't you seen all along that I loved you, that I wanted to make 
you mine? 

Phro \_Crosses to r.] I certainly thought you took a great 
deal of interest in a person you were willing to let somebody else 
have, 

Lat. [Seizes her in his arms-l Then you knew it? \_She 
nods.'] And you were willing [She nods.] and you gave up the 
captain for me? [*S7ie nods and buries her face in her hands. 
If e folds her to hi7n.] My own girl! 

Phro. Please let me go. Please — please — this is all wrong — 
somebody will come — please — please! [Escapes and runs out c. 
as a burst of distant applause is heard.] 

Lat. Phronie! [Joining in the applause.] Yes. Bravo! 
Bravo! Bravo! [Sits l.] 

Briggs enters from c; as the curtain opens applause is heard louder. 

Briggs. [c] Yes! Bravo! very nice! Allah Suhur. But 
I hope they won't encore. It's time for supper and this music is 
a bore. [Coming down.] Don't you agree with me? 

Lat [Rises and crosses ^.] Eh? Oh! It's you, is it? Hum! 
May I ask a moment of your precious time, colonel, here in 
private ? 

Brig. Bas ustune . What can I do for you? 

Lat. There are several ladies and gentlemen — I will not 
mention names — who would take it as a special mark of your 
kind regard if you and your family would honor some other city 
with your presence as soon as possible. 

Brig. What, sir? Who has the effrontery to meddle with 
my affairs? 

Lat [Crosses to L.] Well, I confess to being one of the 
temeritous party, and, with the proper amount of fear and trem- 
bling, beg to know your views on the subject. 

Brig. Ne demek dir bu! Is this a joke? 



68 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Lot. No, colonel. We are diffident, but determined. 

Brig. [^Sardonic laugh.^ Ha! ha! Beaim ne wazifim, 
[^About to go tip.'] 

Lat. [Detains him.'] As I don't understand the Turkish 
language, I should be glad to have your answer in English. 

Brig. [Crosses to R.] I have answered that I will not go. 
[Sits.] 

Lat. Oh, but you must. [The curtains are draivn.] 

Brig. [Loudly.] Must, sir? Ala suka latife. 

Lat. Not so loud, if you please. People may hear what I 
have to say and that may not be very agreeable to you. 

Brig. [ Cooler.] Sabra takatym — Kalmady. 

Lat. Very well. You are no doubt aware that I am pretty 
fully informed with regard to your wife's history. 

Brig. Let me inform you, sir, that she was the proper wife of 
that gentleman at whose house you first met her. 

Lat. Indeed. Well, since he happens to be still living and 
but just arrived in Washington, will you explain how you hap- 
pen to be her husband? 

Brig. Bu jalandyr, bu bir if lira dyr. 

Lat. [Pretending to uridersiand.] Oh, he procured a divorce ! 

Brig. [Struck] Yes. 

Lat. After she married you ? 

Brig. Yes, no, no. I will answer no more questions. [Sits 
at table.] 

Lat. Never mind. Now with regard to yourself. [Sits op- 
posite to hivi, same table, and produces a paper.] Allow me to 
read some notes of your biography which I have procured from 
reliable sources. [Reads:] "Jefferson Quincy Briggs: This 
person was never an officer in the Turkish or Egyptian armies." 

Brig. It's an infernal lie. 

Lat. So it seems. Listen further: " Briggs arrived at Cairo 
in 1864, with ten barrels of New England rum. He subse- 
quently obtained a sutler's license, which was revoked for his 
receiving the soldiers arms in exchange for his liquor. He was 
tried and condemned to be hanged, but given the option to enlist. 
Enlisted and deserted immediately. Is wanted at Alexandria 
for execution." [Brig, feels at his throat uneasily.] 

Brig. Mr. Latimer. 

Lat. What is it, colonel ? 

Brig. It might be remarked — but — you don't want me to 
leave before supper? 

Lat. Certainly not. You may eat as much as you like. 

Brig. Pek-eji. I'll find a pretext afterwards for departing 
gracefully. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 69 

Lai. I may add that I am authorized to assist your departure 
to the extent of a couple of hundred dollars, to give you a start 
in some other place. 

Brig. No ! Have you got it with you ? 

Lot. Come to my office to-morrow, [ii'ises.] 

Brig. \_Rises and follows Lot. doivn.'\ I shall not fail. 
Couldn't you make it more than a couple of thousand — 

Lat. [l.] I said a couple of hundred. 

Brig. Pardon me — hundreds — all right. Memnunnwn. 

Lat. Then it's settled. 

Brig. Fully! Allah Egirim etsin ! \_OffershandtoluA'F.,who 
looks at it, then coolly puts the paper in it and walks up among the 
guests, who have by this time sauntered in and filled the rooms in 
various groups.^ Oldu ologak Ben inanaman. Majnun! maj- 
nun! [^Goes up scolding, meets Mrs. Briggs, and they talk ex- 
citedly.'] 

All the characters enter r. and l., in rear room. 

Mrs. Briggs. Wait, wait. 

Phronie coming down with Lat. 

Phro. You know I can't keep any secret from you now — 
papa and mamma know all. 

Lat. And they consent? 

Phro. Yes. \_They sit on sofa, L,] 

Jack. {Coming down with Mrs. L.'\ My dear mamma, how 
can I thank you? With your aid I'm where I was, and better. 

Mrs. Lamb. {Crosses to Vi.] Don't say another word. 

Jack. And now I really beg your influence with Hope. 
[Hope is seen advancing with Lamb.] Make her give up this 
trip and stay with me. 

Hope. No. I still think absence will do you good. 

Jack. If you leave me now, remorse will make me desperate, 
and I'll be drawn into the very vortex of dissipation. 

Lamb. I'll stay with you and be drawn in, too. [ To Mrs. X.] 
Just to take care of him. 

Mrs. L. Why, Eliphalet! 

Lamb. {Sits r. of R. table:] All right! All right! Don't 
rear up! 



They form a group at R., Trem., Mrs. T. and the Briggs have 
congregated in the c, Roberts and Jane are seen handing cups 
about among the guests. 



70 DOLLARS AND SENSE; OR, 

Trem. [To Mrs. 5.] And so you have determined to say 
good night — so sorry. 

Mrs. B. Good night and good-bye. [ Quite a stir and whisper 
among all^ Yes, we shall leave Washington to-morrow. 

Lot. Oh, yes. I forgot that Colonel Briggs had charged me 
with the painful task of announcing his departure from the 
United States. He has been tendered a responsible command in 
the Tonquin army. And has signified his acceptance to the ma- 
rines of that power. I'm sure you will all join with me in the 
expression of grief which must ensue at this sudden eclipse of our 
season's gaieties. \_Turns to Phro.'\ 

Mrs. B. We beg to thank Mr. Latimer for his delicate ex- 
pressions and evident good wishes for us. I trust those which he 
cherishes for himself, may be realized as soon. 

Lot. You speak in riddles, madam. 

Mrs. B. If I were not fearful of hurting the feelings of our 
charming host and hostess, I could solve the riddle for you. 

Trem. Pray do so. 

Mrs. T. By all means. 

Lat. Don't consider me. 

Mrs. B. The wish I mean, is that nearest your heart — where 
you've concealed a certain lady's picture— stolen from this table, 
passionately kissed, and hidden in your breast, as I entered and 
detected you. 

Phro. [ Going to Trem.~\ Abominable ! 

Mrs. L. The serpent ! 

Lat. [Steps forward.'] I confess the theft gladly — and since 
you have so cordially given me the original, Mrs. Tremont, I beg 
to return the counterfeit. Colonel, will you oblige — \_Offers 
the picture.'] 

Brig. Bas ustune ! Bas ! [ Goes itp.] 

Trem. [Advancing R. c, with Phro.] That reminds me of an 
oversight. [Patting Phro.'s head.] I believe Mrs. Briggs is the 
first person outside of our family circle to hear of Mr. Latimer's 
engagement to my daughter. Your wish, so amiably expressed, 
my dear madam, is realized. They are to be married. [Passes 
Phro. over to Lat. They go to sofa, L.] 

3Irs. B. Oh ! Indeed ! Delighted to hear — [Almost suffo- 
cated, she botes and dashes tip stage.] 

Bob. Bouillon, ma'am! 

Jane. Tea, ma'am! 

Mrs. B. Get out of my way. [Exits, c. l.] 

Bob. [To Brig.] Bouillon, sir! 

Brig. Thanks. Yes. [Takes a couple of cups from each.] 
Bendenez el oper. 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 71 

Lamb, \_8tands on chair, l. of table, holding up his cup, which 
has been served him by Rob.l Ladies and gentlemen! 

3frs. L. Why Eliphalet— 

Lamb. Go away, Saphira. I'm on the stump. I propose a 
toast. 

Brig. \_Moidhfull of sandiclch, and a cup in each hand.'\ Cok 
jasa. Hear! hear! [_Clinks his cups together. '\ 

Lamb. Well! Here's to the health of the young people. 
May all their lives be as pleasant as a play. 

Mrs. T. A play! Why what a comparison! 

Lat. Correct and classical. All the world's a stage. 

3frs. L. But what sort of a play — not a tragedy, I hope. 

Trem. No, no! A bright comedy. That ends well, like a 
good life. 

Jack. No. A melodrama — full of excitement! With the 
victims rescued in the nick of time. 

Lamb. I adopt my friend Tremont's notion. May their wed- 
ded life be like a good comedy. 

Brig. A comedy ! Humph ! Then there won't be any vil- 
lain. Very humdrum affair. Ala saka latife. 

Phro. But our comedy reverses things, you know. Plays end 
with marriages — ours — 

Lamb. — begins with one, that's so! [^Musing and getting 
down.'] Yes! Plays end with marriages — all the nicest ones. 
\_Suddenly struck.l Well — there's the weddings of our daughters 
and your sons. 

Mrs. L. Why, Eliphalet! 

Jack. Bravo, dad-in-law! 

Hope. Why, Jack ! 

Lamb. All right, sonny ! I shan't take it back ! History re- 
peats itself! 

The blushing bride to-day 

A few years hence — her daughter gives away. 

We, who laugh the merry play to see, 
First saw a play upon a grandsire's knee, 
And yet shall watch our infants' fresher glee. 

May mirth and goodness in the world ne'er lack 
A mirror here — to give that gladness back. 



Curtain. 



DOLLARS AND SENSE 



THE HEEDLESS ONES. 



A COMEDY OF TO-DAY IN THREE ACTS. 



AUGUSTIN DALY. 



AS PEODUCED AT DALY'S THEATRE, NEW YORK, FOR THE 
FIRST TIME, OCTOBER 2d, 1883. 



NEW YORK: 
PRINTED, AS MANUSCRIPT ONLY, FOR THE AUTHOR. 

1885. 



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